Sunday, September 01, 2013

Volcano for Sale

The Evil Lair will be relocating.

I am going ahead to scout new locations while Red clears out the remaining components of the weather machine and does another sweep with the Geiger counter.

The volcano has: 285 beds, 135 full baths/77 half, 28 car garage, 19 torture chambers, 218 holding cells, helipad, retractable crater dome, central air, efficient geothermal heating, waterfront view, numerous booby traps, secret passages, hardwood floors, sun room, moon etching laser, water heater recently replaced, centrally located control room and missile silo. Located in a prime school district, quiet neighborhood.

Please let us know if you or anyone you know may be in the market.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

WILATU #20 - being up before most of the world

The Destruct-oPup woke me up at 5:30 this AM. A marked improvement over 4:00 AM yesterday. The cause of her incessant plaintive wailing was not an immediate need to spread her joy all over the neighbors lawn, but rather a Scooby Snack left in tantalizing proximity to her crate.

Being up early is not new to me. I have been on the crew team, I attended a military academy, and I have been stuck on crap watches on boats and ships.

Waiting for the fuel truck in the darkest of the wee hours I have learned that it is not always darkest before the dawn, but there is an unusual phenomenon where it is always coldest before the dawn. Then the predawn hits. To me that is cooler than the actual sunrise. The black starts to fade out like twilight in reverse. You can sense it happening like a person sneaking up behind you.

This is by no means meant to imply my advocating anyone go out and try this. Quite the opposite in fact - I urge you to sleep as late as you can as often as you can. And if there never comes a day when you have to be awake at an hour you never realized had an Ante Meridian option, you will still lead a full life.

Monday, June 03, 2013

WILATU #35 - Eating foods I'm not supposed to

Ah, forbidden fruit! Though fruit is rarely on the forbidden list. Red meat on the other hand...
First we need to establish the authorities involved in placing my dietary restrictions: 1. Doctor Lady 2. Red. Which one do you think has more rules? Which one do you think is more fun to disobey?
The answers are 2 and 1 respectively. It is the level of authority held by Doctor Lady (not to be confused with the lady doctor) which makes it more enjoyable to ignore. I don't actually enjoy sneaking off to Kabob Bazaar behind Red's back, but sometimes it needs to be done. Not to assert my independence, but because I am a slave to deliciocity.
When the day comes, and it will, that Doctor Lady tells me my days are numbered, I would strongly advise a clear path be kept between me and the nearest purveyor of chili cheese fries. I hold all of my esteemed readers in the highest regard, but your ass is toast if you try to obstruct me from a self-induced culinary coronary. Delaying this innevitablity is Red's sole reason for writing her own book of Leviticus for me. I really wish I could be more compliant for her sake. Hey, at least I ate all the vegetables in the picture withe the succulent lamb bathed in exotic spices and seared to perfection over a wood fire.
Does lamb even really count as red meat anyway?