Monday, April 16, 2007

How not to work (part 1 of 2)

Quite a while ago I found a website which had information on how to appear busy at work without doing anything. The major flaw with the plan was that it required as much work as actually doing your job. So here is my vastly superior list of how to fuck off and yet seem like you are an indispensable team member.

Office supply closet trips: Not too often or it is a dead give away. Once or twice every other day should be good. It also helps if you look for something you know they don't stock. "Has anyone seen any of those really tiny binder clips?" (10 min.)

More coffee: Coffee is the fuel of success. Take a trip into the kitchenette and pour yourself a cup. You will probably meet someone who will ask about your weekend and not really care about your weekend, but want you to ask them about their weekend so they can tell you. (10 min.)

Print something on letterhead: You must produce some sort of product, and nothing says you are doing important work than loading that corporate logo into the printer. And when you see that e-mail your 3-year-old sent to you with the help of your wife printed out in crisp laser resolution you will definitely want to post it on the fridge when you get home as a testament to where your real priorities lie. (2 min.)

Talk to the receptionist/temp: She is probably cute. She doesn't get to have too many real conversations during the day (except to friends calling in from their jobs,) and depending on the size and nature of your business, she is probably well versed at wasting time. (5 min.)

Smoke break/fresh air: If you smoke there is a good chance this is one of the reasons you can't quit. If you don't smoke you can only get away with this about once a week, if that. I actually tried to take up smoking to cash in on the smoke breaks. Never happened. (10 min.)

Looking in the files: You have no idea what you are looking for , but neither does anyone else. (Not finding anything =5 min. Randomly picking something to be what you were looking for =10 min.)

Feign an IT problem: If you are moderately computer literate there are several things you can do to screw shit up and make your IT guy feel like he is the gatekeeper and you are just another mouth-breathing noob. Delete a printer driver. Disable macros. Set your outgoing e-mail filter too high. Nick the cord on your mouse so you have intermittent control. All very easy. For the advanced you can change your static IP address by one digit . That will teach the fucker who is a mouth-breathing noob. (30-45 min.)

Make a list/update list: If you have a list, go over it. If you don't make one. It can even be things to not do. It can be things you would rather be doing. The key is to write it on a legal pad or notebook so you have something going on non-computer related. (5 min.)

Make copies: You know that e-mail from your kid you printed on letterhead? You are going to need one copy for the file. One for your mom. One for your wife's mom. You may want to scan and pdf it just in case your refrigerator plans on going paperless. (2 min.)


pezda said...

You know depending on the severity of the computer problems you initiate, and the incompetence level/desire to waste own time level of the IT rep, this could easily last an hour or more.

Evil Genius said...

It also helps to misuse terms to infuriate them. "Um, I think I crashed the internet." (5 bonus minutes)

Lucidiocy said...


Thank you for this. It allowed me to do nothing all day, and being that it was an exceptionally crappy day, it couldn't have come at a better time.

Tonight I rent Office Space and beat the fax machine with my softball bat.