Tuesday, April 17, 2007

How not to work (Part 2 of 2)

Walk slowly past the guy/girl who talks too much, comment on weather if necessary. (20 min.)

Complain to guy next to you that you couldn't get away from Bob/Sue. (10 min.)

Spreadsheet: You always look busy with a spreadsheet open. List ex girlfriends in the first column. List qualities across the top. Assign positive or negative numerical values and give each a cumulative score. Judge yourself on the same scale and the at the bottom create a differential between you and each ex. This way you can see who you were stupid to let go of and where you dodged a bullet. Do not include your current spouse/partner/significant other unless you are prepared to deal with the results. (1 hour; color coded and formatted with cross-referenced worksheets 2 hours.)

Look annoyed/ walk fast: Not a good time-waster, but essential as a general rule. Take off your glasses and rub your temples frequently. If you don't have glasses buy some cheap reading glasses at the drug store.

Have accounting explain something to you: You 're not going to understand. You don't need to understand. Make sure it is something that will take some time, like amortizing depreciation or whatever. You may want to get coffee first. Caveat: If you are in accounting it is probably not a good idea to do this. (15 min.)

Pre-lunch/lunch/post-lunch: There is a reason this is a classic. Milk it, baby! "Hey, guy next to me do you wanna grab something? Should we ask supervisor to come with us and suck up a little? Where should we go? No I don't like that place." Et cetera. Then make sure you order an appetizer and a complicated entree with special requests. And when the bill comes be sure you spend a lot of time trying to divvy things up. Then when you get back make sure you moan and complain how you are never going back there, and how full you are, and hey does anyone else want coffee? (1hr 45 min.)

Surfing: This is tricky. You never know when Big Brother is watching. Even if you know the IT guy and have dirt on him, he may just be the creepy kind who wants to see everywhere you go just because he can. (I am telling you I was bidding on the Mary Kate and Ashley electronic journal for my NIECE!) If surfing, have several other applications open so you can quickly toggle over. Having a hard document in front of you as if researching something pertaining to said document helps. Be sure to mask your key clicks to sound like work writing (i.e. no short IM style bursts.) (Potentially all 8 hours. Though you will have to read more than just What I Like About the Universe.)

More coffee: Coffee is the fuel of success...


Winter said...

Hahahaha.. I'm going to try 3 of these today.

Evil Genius said...

Let me know how it goes.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

These posts rock, EG. Seriously, a guy could fuck off for weeks with these two posts alone -- and maybe even get a raise in the process.