Thursday, April 05, 2007
The Insomnia Chronicles
7. killing Andy Kaufman
4 Oct 98
It’s hard to explain how certain revelations come about, others are easy. The other day i hit my head really heard and everything seems to be focused again. Both literally and figuratively. I could never fathom or begin to explain how something so concrete and tangible could restore my sense of connectedness. It is as if a whole set of synapses got jarred back into place. And I remember Calculus now ( Oh, dx/dy! Of course!)
Now I need to solidify my physical image in my mind, and I think I’ll be able to escape all of the introspection, and begin to live my life again.
Speed Racer re-runs play in the background, and only now do I realize that this is my past, and I feel connected to it, but I now also understand that I am 25 years old looking into the past, and not a 6 year old looking into the future. I know that seems like a silly concept, but that is actually how I used to think. i am still disturbed by the self-defense mechanism my insanity built for itself. I was deeply convinced that all of my twistedness was the center of my personality, and that if i allowed myself to correct any of this I would become one of the dull boring people that i despise, but now as the clouds slowly clear, with my strong personality still intact, i am amazed at how i built my own flaws.
It has now gotten to the point where I can clearly distinguish my two lifestyles. There is the newly emerged clear thinking healthy interacting person that i am and was and always have been. but there is also the muddled thinking time wasting hermit man that i hate and has been dominating my life for the last year or so.
My new mission in life is to seek and destroy the mud thinker. I must kill my evil alter ego. Just like Andy kaufman in those Taxi episodes.
i gotta go now. i’m trhinking two much. i can already see too much bullshit in this.
Andy Kaufman as Latka Gravis (left) and Vic Ferrari (right.)