Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Dale's interview with a Genius

Dale asks. I answer.

1. Given the choice, would you rather have your likeness turned into a Pez dispenser or a background character with no lines on The Simpsons?

This is a dilemma for unfortunate reasons. At this point it is the lesser of two evils. The Simpsons has been in a well-noted state of decline for the past eight or so years. Being a backdrop character in a Season 19 suck-fest would be a dubious honor indeed. So it would seem that being a Pez dispenser would be an automatic winner. But there is a problem there too. You used to have to be someone to be on a Pez dispenser. Now they have characters from every animated piece of crap before it ever even hits the screen. Where is the honor in that? If they would upgrade me to a speaking part and give me creative control of the episode, I would go with the Simpsons. Seeing how that does not fit the stipulated guidelines, then the choice is easy. Pez. Cherry flavored Pez.

2. Friday, April 21, 2006 would have me believe that you've lived in a lot of different places. Which was your favourite and where are you going next?

Someone has been reading my back catalog! (For all others, this is both encouraged and appreciated.)

I am from Pittsburgh, and that will always be home. But I am waiting patiently for the day I can return to Chicago. That is both my favorite, and where I am going next. DC is one of my least favorite places. I am finally adapting and trying to make the best of my time here. But only with the understanding that I will eventually move back to Chicago is this even possible.

3. You like to make lists. Can you give me 5 reasons why? And why argyle?

1. People like lists. (Ask David Letterman.)
2. Lists are a quick and effective way to communicate information.
3. Lists create conversation through disagreement (e.g. argyle.)
4. Amongst the things lists evoke are: fear, surprise, efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.
5. With bullet points, you can lose track. (Refer to #2 for further clarification.)

Argyle has a certain style and classicism to it, but really doesn't go with much. In high school I took to wearing argyle socks with my Chuck Taylor's for clash value. Argyle socks have since become a comfort item for me. (I will probably cut and paste this for WILATU #60.)

4. If you had to do 5 minutes of stand up comedy, would you go for political jokes, funny stories about yourself or would you smash watermelons and hope for the best?

Five minutes of no-holds-barred self-deprecation punctuated with intentional awkward pauses. Sort of a mix of Rodney Dangerfield and Mitch Hedberg.

5. How can Eat 'n Park be America's Favorite Family Restaurant if I've never heard of it? Did Steak n Shake even make the top 5?

Eat'n'Park is centered in Pittsburgh and extends through Ohio, West Virginia, and I am guessing Maryland. People from Pittsburgh understand that there is a universe outside of the Ohio River Valley, but only as an abstract concept. When viewed from this perspective, Eat'n'Park is America's favorite family restaurant.

I got food poisoning from Steak n Shake in Indiana. As far as I am concerned, they are not even eligible for the list. When Eat'n'Park embraces manifest destiny and extends their reach to Canada, I am sure you will be converted. But it certainly isn't worth a special trip down to check one out.


Dale said...

Mmm, your dilemma tastes like cherry! Well done Evil Genius. Does the Pope have a Pez too?

I just realized that 3 of my questions used the number 5 in them. Meet me at the Steak n Shake and we'll discuss what happened.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

When I first moved here in '97, it used to bother me that it's "Eat n Park" instead of "Park n Eat." I can be so rational sometimes... But, I got over it. It's a strange institution, though. For some reason, I eat there about twice a month, even though there's really nothing that special about it. Truly, it's kind of boring, smiley cookie or no smiley cookie. I guess it's the lunch buffet, and the locations -- there's always one around where ever you are. As boring as it is, though, try getting a seat during a rush hour.

pezda said...

Mmm, smiley cookie. As far as I know there are no EnP's near Columbus.

I'm obligated by birth to choose the Pez. Besides, it'd be cool to have a Pezda Pez looking out at me from my display case.

Beth said...

I love DC! But I don't live there; I just visit every year. Why do you dislike it.

Another pro for lists: It's so High Fidelity!

jin said...

I like to make lists too.
It's a Virgo thing.

I like reading Dale's interviews.
It's an insecurity thing.
(Kinda like, I hope he doesn't ask all of us the same questions!)

GETkristiLOVE said...

Your answers piss me off. First of all, dude what the fuck is wrong with you - you have to be a Simpsons character, declination of the show aside because, well, hell, let me make a list:

1. Bald guys make great cartoon characters, just ask Homer.

2. You can't be a Pez and have a friend named Pezda, that's dorky.

3. The background guys make the world go around, and the strong silent type is sexy.

4. There's no stopping some brat that wants to put say, oh, ORANGE pez in a Evil Genius pez dispenser so you can't say that you'll be a Cherry pez dispenser. In what Universe does that make sense?! Well, except for yours?

5. You'd be in a movie if you were a Simpsons character and I would have seen you on the silver screen this weekend.

Second of all, isn't it enough that every single blogger out there seems to be from Chicago, is living in Chicago, is leaving Chicago, or wants to move to Chicago? Join the bandwagon, go ahead. Just send me some motherfuckin' White Castles, okay?!

Thank god you hate Steak & Shakes and got food poisoning, or this post would have been a total waste of my time reading it.

BeckEye said...

"I am from Pittsburgh, and that will always be home."


And Good Gracious, Eat 'n Park. I practically lived there in my drunken 20s. The 2 am ritual - Breakfast smile, eggs over easy, bacon, home fries, white toast. Mmmmmmm mmmmmm. Oh, and the Smiley cookies. And that damn Christmas commercial with the tree that makes me cry EVERY time.

Dale said...

GetKristiLove is officially more evil than Evil Genius! An excellent development.

Chris said...

All bloggers should move to Chicago. You could establish a midwest utopia full of snarky humor and foul language for me to enjoy on my visits back.

Lucidiocy said...

My sisters love lists.

Evil Genius said...


I think they should have a series of Pope Pez dispensers. JPII could come in a blister pack made to resemble the Pope-mobile.


You are right. The fact that it is there is its biggest appeal.


I'd buy two Pezda Pez's. One to keep as a collectible, one to have role play and french kiss my Pope Pez.


I will start working on my list of 5 reasons you should visit me when you are in DC.


An insecure blogger? Get out! I will try to drop by and leave snarky comments on your pastries to make you feel better.

Kristi, Kristi, Kristi,

I am working on a whole post in response to this comment.


It is the place for smiles!


A Shyamalanian twist!


It's centrally located and convenient! Excellent plan. How do we get Lulu back?


Come on, she is still on the rebound. Give her a chance to mourn before I pounce.


anandamide said...

Eat n' park may be slowly advancing from the South towards Canada, but Tim Horton's is marching at an equal clip towards the US (Dale knows what I'm talking about). They'll likely meet at Detroit and fight an epic battle...

Dale said...

It's the Timbits that'll get 'em Anandamide!

Evil Genius said...

Timbits? I am imagining an unsavory Canadian hockey player version of Rocky Mountain oysters.

I will stick with Smiley Cookies, thank you very much.

Coaster Punchman said...

I loved this interview. It's wafer-thin.

Evil Genius said...

Coaster Punchman,

Thanks! No one ever expects it.

Welcome to WILATU. It was only a matter of time.