Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Unrinal Post

A motion was made by Skyler's Dad to post on urinals, specifically urinal cakes, the motion was carried by Bubs. I thought there was a lot of material here, but I am coming up short. I am just going with what I have so far.

Things in urinals:

Cakes - Absolutely pointless.

Mats - Slightly less pointless.

Debris - Pointless like clubbing baby seals. (Seriously. Someone has to fish that out. And he is not getting paid well to do it.)

Ice - Fun! But pointless.

Urinal etiquette:

Don't look. Don't talk. That's it.

The following jokes are not funny:

"Oo, that water is cold!"
"Shake it more than twice and you're playing with it!"
Any reference to "a wide stance."
Do not under any circumstances use these jokes. Do not laugh at or acknowledge anyone who makes these jokes.

Urinal psychology:

One more thing for me to be paranoid about. Since there is no talking, there is thinking. Unless they are kind enough to post the sports page in front of the urinal. It is usually two weeks out of date, but reading old scores is better than worrying about what the other guy is thinking. Thank you sports page.

I am sorry. I have been fighting some nasty sinus congestion. Maybe I'll come back and edit this at a later date. Probably not.

18 comments:

pistols at dawn said...

From what I gather, "coming up short" at the urinal is totally your thing! Hey-oooo!

I personally hate the concept of "urinal cake," because I love cake so much and this is nothing like cake. Why not name it something nobody likes, like "urinal movie starring Jimmy Fallon?"

Lastly, the long line at a sporting event joke, "Time to start goin' in the sink," is never funny.

GETkristiLOVE said...

A lot of the same rules apply for women, btw. Take the quiz!

Grant Miller said...

Fun, but pointless? Dear God.

I don't know you.

Skylers Dad said...

A local Colorado lame joke is to say flush twice, it's a long way to Golden (where they make Coors).

You should probably just delete this post...

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Is this one of the things you LATU?

In my office, when someone says, "Oo, that water's cold," the other guy is supposed to say, "and deep" -- (from the old "two guys pissing off a bridge" joke).

catnapping said...

what is that little mat for?

Bubs said...

Ever want to make someone really uncomfortable? Like, more uncomfortable than getting in a full elevator and facing the back of the elevator, toward everyone?

Go to a row of urinals, say with 8 or 10 in a row, with one guy standing there using one of them. And then use the urinal right next to him.

Evil Genius said...

P@D,

You are welcome. I am that good of a straight man. As I was writing this I knew someone would knock "coming up short" out of the park. I can always count on you.

GkL,

I remember taking that quiz before. I took it again and remember why I didn't include it in the post. I disagree with some of their answers.

Grant,

So why don't you write about peeing on ice. "All the cool kids are doing it."

Skyler's Dad,

I probably should delete this post. But I won't.

BSUWG,

No this is not on the list. This was a suggestion prior to me clarifying what the list is about.

I forgot the origin of that line, but the response violates the etiquette!

Catnapping,

To prevent the chewing gum, cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and whatever else ignorant people feel like tossing in there from clogging the drain. They usually end up sliding off to the side, thereby rendered useless. Please don't ask me how they slide over there.

Bubs,

That makes me uncomfortable just reading it.

-EG

Chris said...

I beg you not to edit this post. It's perfect just the way it is.

Someone once gave me a t-shirt with nothing on it but the silhouette of the classic urinal mat. it was fun to watch people try to place what they were seeing on my shirt. Most women had no idea.

minijonb said...

you've just reminded me of the chocolate covered urinal cake from the book and movie American Psycho.

...thanks.

McGone said...

Sports-Page-Above-Urinal (whether current or outdated) is the greatest innovation in all of Bladder Relief Science.

pezda said...

I hate the cakes and mats. They usually just kick urine into the air as it hits. Though the cakes help alleviate the stench associated with the urinal.

I have to add however, I cannot stand it when guys skip the urinal altogether and just pee in (and on) the toilets in the stalls.

Evil Genius said...

Chris,

The post will stand. Sounds like a cool shirt. You should post a pic if you still have it.

MiniJB,

I have not read the book, but I saw the movie. Lots of gratuitous male butt shots. So now you can think about Christian Bale's ass.

McGone,

There has been a giant leap forward on this forefront. The Men's Room at the ESPN Zone (at least the one in Baltimore) has tiny LCD TV's above the urinals. Whoever came up with that one deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Pezda,

Add to the stench, mutate the stench, but I won't give you alleviate. Adding a subtle mothball undertone to stale urine is not winning the battle.

-Evil

anandamide said...

hey, at least you got the message out about "shake it more than twice and you're playing with it".

not only is it old as the hills, it presumes there's something wrong with "playing with it".

Evil Genius said...

My mom told me that if I played with it I'd go blind. I have a few more diopters to go.

Dale said...

Wow, I've never caught a sinus infection in a bathroom before. Spell 'pig' backwards and say 'funny'. That'll cure you.

Evil Genius said...

I was just blaming the lackluster post on my sinus infection. I am not sure of the source.

G-I-...hey, wait a minute!

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