Sunday, October 07, 2007

Zero Gaydar Signature

In a recent discussion of matadors and Bugs Bunny, Pistols more or less accused me of being a cross-dresser. When the first two subjects are broached, the third is inevitable. I am not, by the way, a cross-dresser. If I had any chance of pulling it off I may have tried it at some point. But my substantial frame and abundance of hair in places other than my head are great hindrances in appearing feminine in any convincing manner.

I am not here to bemoan not being able to turn myself into a sweet transvestite from Pennsylvania, I am here to bemoan my zero gaydar signature. I don't even give off a blip. Most straight guys would brag about this, but it pisses me off!

Now I am not claiming to be John Waters or anything, but here are a list of reasons one might assume I was gay:

  • Unhealthy obsession with Morrissey.
  • Did not have a serious girlfriend until I was 30.
  • Always seen with my best friend from high school who:
    • Is a musician
    • Is slender in build
    • Almost never in a committed relationship
    • Typical artsy type
  • I too am an artist.
  • I dress well. (Though admittedly in a desperately hetero manner.)
  • Have an unhealthy obsession with The Smiths.
  • Suffer from arrested development.
  • Lobbied for "Arrested Development."
  • Went to a school full of sailors, and subsequently spent a lot of time at sea.
  • Did I mention the unhealthy obsession with Morrissey?
Granted, none of these things makes you gay, but they might give someone the impression. Now I have had one or two straight people get the wrong idea, but never a gay guy. I lived on the fringe of Boystown in Chicago for 3 years and was never hit on once! Am I not attractive? Am I not stylish? What the hell is wrong with me!

I tried the sex shop, the gay bar, the underwear store - but never got a second look. I had a salesman gently flirt with me once at the leather store (not that kind) when I was buying a wallet. But it wasn't sincere.

Maybe I am just really bad at picking up vibes. I know with women, they have to be as obvious as possible before I get the hint. Yeah, that has to be it! I bet gay men are even more subtle than straight women.

That is the only explanation. It can't be me.


Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

For what it's worth, I thought your description of Grant's hands in your previous post was kinda gay. But, then you negated the gayness of that post by flirting with the waitress -- unless of course this is all some sort of elaborate denial mechanism.

Evil Genius said...

I appreciate it. The whole denial thing could just go in circles, but I like the team I am on so I am sticking with it.

I guess I really just want to be seen as attractive. That is pretty human isn't it?

pistols at dawn said...

Yeah, gay people are all about subtlety.

Did you know Gay Pride Day was today? You probably didn't even notice, the parade was so demure and the music was played at such a reasonable volume.

Gays can just sense their own, the same way I can scan a room and tell you who the biggest narcissistic jerks are. And if you're not rail thin/muscular/a big, fat hairy dude, you're just out of luck. Besides, why do you want to gay men to notice you just to break their hearts? Jerk.

Evil Genius said...

My momma always told me not to go around breaking young girls' hearts.

And not only did I miss the pride parade, I missed the auto show and food festival yesterday. Doesn't anyone in this town know how to print out a banner?

pistols at dawn said...

If it makes you feel any better, Bethesda just tastes like overeducated white people. "Oh - you don't know the difference between French Guyanan and Guyanan cuisine? Are you from Indiana or something?"

red, egeg said...

Okay, I usually don't comment 'round here. (I mean, I usually don't come 'round here. Yeah, that's it.) This is one of the crazier things I've heard from you, EG, and _that's saying something_. You've always said it, honey - you're all about the taco! If it makes you feel any better, there were times when I wondered if you were possibly a lesbian...

Grant Miller said...

I meant to ask when you were in Chicago, but where'd you get those shoes???

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm sure your argyle socks/Chuckie Ts combo probably oozed out a teeny, tiny, spec of gayness to someone somewhere along the way.

But, rest easy with the thought that it's only women's hearts that you'll break.

Skylers Dad said...

The only time I ever got hit on by a gay guy was after a 10K race in downtown Denver that happened the same time as the Gay pride parade. It was an awkward moment, as I stood there in my running shorts just looking FAB, trying to convince this guy I wasn't batting for his team.

pistols at dawn said...

I'd just like to thank everyone here for making me question whether I love the ladies or tacos more. That truly is my version of Sophie's Choice.

Evil Genius said...


I have been pegging the needle on the crazy meter lately. Thanks for noticing.

And I never really questioned my sexuality, but thanks for backing me up. It carries a lot more weight when you say it.


The were leather loafers, but they were Rockports. So does that make them stylish and gay, or sensible and lesbian? Either way I was wearing argyle socks with them.


I just wanna be loved is that so wrong?


I never considered the awkwardness of the actual situation. Maybe I am better off. But the whole running thing does shed light on one reason I have ZGS - I avoid exercise like the plague.


If you find the right lady it doesn't have to be a choice.


The Idea Of Progress said...

Waaaiiit...if you're not gay, how come you were using the waitress as a beard and hitting on the Evil Dictator all night?

pistols at dawn said...

If it makes you feel less crazy, then I've heard other straight dudes with this complaint. You guys could form a support group, maybe sip some chamomile tea and discuss Jane Austen books, and get in touch with your flagrantly obvious feminine sides that are scaring away The Gays.

I personally am still upset that I've never had a stalker, because dammit, my garbage is worth sifting through.

Valerie said...

I seriously thought you were gay.

You are, right?

Evil Genius said...


I have often looked at my garbage and felt bad for anyone who would seek to sift through it. Both for the boring content and the high level of disgustingness. (Almost nothing but coffee grounds and wadded up Kleenex.)


That is very sweet of you to think, but no I am straight. My show tune reference in the comments on my last post was knowledge acquired via my ex-girlfriend who, as noted above, will tell you I "am all about the taco."


Evil Genius said...


Oops! Sorry I skipped over you. What are you working with Chris Hansen trying to get me to slip up?

Bubs was looking kind of cute, though. A few more beers and I may have been going for the old yawn-and-reach.


Dale said...

Have you tried walking around with a dick in your mouth? It sounds hard but it can be done.

red said...

Honey, you had a musical theatre reference? I'm so proud! Please point it out, though - I can't seem to find it. Was it on WILATU or somewhere else?

Evil Genius said...


You see, that is the line I am not willing to cross. And that is the one that really makes the difference isn't it?


The exchange is in regard to a photo Valerie had posted on her blog of her and Grant in My Fair Lady. But the reference in question is in these comments.

Evil Genius said...


Red, when are you going to start your own blog?