Friday, March 14, 2008

"Captain Howdy, that wasn't very nice."

Marvel in wondered awe as I now conduct an interview* with Pezda's Ghost. Ouija board, Oujia board, will you work for me?

The table is rumbling. The glas is moving. (No I was not pushing that time.)


How did you curse me with this one goat leg and exactly what do I have to do to reverse the spell?

Well, that story begins back in the old country. It was 1922 and my grandmother was barely an adolescent when the Roma migrated to her town. Known by most as Gypsies, the Roma have a rich, though largely unwritten, history. They taught Grams how to dance, sing, play the darbuka, and live life to the fullest. Grams, for reasons I still don't understand, has entrusted me with her secrets, and that's how I first learned of the fabled Roma city deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Of course, you know well the rest of this tale, so I won't bother to recount it here.

Yeah, that doesn't really help me get rid of the goat leg, but I can see I am not getting anywhere with that. So let me ask you this: Most people are generally considered "curious" about their sexuality. Despite the fact that you are happily married to [wife #1], would you ever consider playing for the other team?

No, I don't think I would be very good at that. At least, not without a significant amount of grease.

Well that was more straight forward than I would expected or liked. But that reminds me, what happened to the that limited edition Barbie in the Bill Blass gown I lent you and you said you would get back to me?

By the time I found it it was so twisted and bent that I decided to just leave it. Besides, local llama population had grown rather fond of it.

"Twisted and bent" reminds me of that story you tell about your piano teacher the summer you turned 19.

Hey, you know that's a rather delicate subject for me ever since the incident with the grain thresher and the brothel. I'll thank you to never again bring the subject up.

OK, but you can't deny that it makes you...unique. And since there had to be many lonely nights as a result of this, I have to ask: Who do you fantasize about when you masturbate?

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that, I'd nearly have a dime. The short answer is Anne of Burgundy, Duchess of Bedford. Of course, the long answer is also Anne of Burgundy, Duchess of Bedford.

Have you ever considered masturbating to anyone who was alive? And how many times?

83. If you count all the way back to college. Prior to that I wasn't really keeping tabs.
Before I can answer your question I need to address a common misconception. You see anthropology, specifically archaeology, is the study of humans through their physical and cultural remains. Archaeologists do not study dinosaurs. Paleontologists study, and I may be painting with a rather broad brush here, everything before humans. This includes human ancestors (though there is certainly some overlap) and most prominently, dinosaurs. As for your questions I'd have to say Natalie Portman.

Can't argue there.

Let's change the subject to something a little more civil. Like politics. Would you back a dream ticket of Barrack Obama and Jim Purdue?

As you know I have been practicing alectromancy for almost 12 years now and will not make any sort of significant decision without first consulting one of my chickens. With this in mind I will throw my full support behind the most profoundly pro-poultry politician.

OK, I admit that was a softball question. So let me ask you this tough romantic question: Do you have room in your heart for one more trip to the moon?

Hmm. I'm not sure. The last time I saw it was before the lightning strike. Even with the hard rain, I heard it took the Sheboygan Fire Department four hours to quell the flames. But again, I can't be sure, as I left that house on fire and I never went back.

*This interview was actually conducted in reverse with all answers supplied first (without even being requested) and questions filled in afterward by yours truly.


Gnugs said...

fabulous. absolutely.

Red said...

I tell ya, great times when you two crazy kids get together. Btw, wtf does this have to do w/Morrissey?

GETkristiLOVE said...

Do all men masturbate to lesbians? Man, they have all the luck.

Evil Genius said...


So you decided to stop lurking, huh?


Everything has to with Morrissey! But in this case there is a very heavy-handed quote for those in the know.


I can add you to my rotation if that makes you feel any better. (Who am I kidding? You're already in there!)


Grant Miller said...

Very insightful. And to answer GKL's question. Lipstick lesbians, not just any lesbians.

Gifted Typist said...

gotta love a ghost with a brain and a vocabulary

SkylersDad said...

Nicely done. But you left me wanting to hear more about the goat leg.

Will there be a sequel?

Anonymous said...

I laughed, I cried. It was touching. You're the new Barbra Walters my friend.

Leonesse said...

When does the book come out?

pistols at dawn said...

I feel like I know so much more about the undead now. And, truly, about the human condition.

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

how do ghosts masturbate??

Pezda's Ghost said...

Well played old chap. well played.

Whiskeymarie said...

I like a ghost that is both pro-poultry AND pro-masturbation.
Pezda's got my vote.

Is he running for anything?

GETkristiLOVE said...

Awesome! I hope you don't mind being behind Patrick Stewart yourself.

Beth said...

TAG! You’re it for Crazy 8s.

I need to finish all these damn memes so I can have the time to read this scintillating interview.

Pezda's Ghost said...

It spelled C-H-R-I-S-T-O-F-F-E-R

Evil Genius said...


Goes without saying.


I don't have to, but I do.


It actually cleared up on it's own. No big story.


You think so? I don't even know what kind of tree I would be.


I need to add a few more...embelishments, then we should be set for the presses.


And yet there is still so much more to learn.


Into a sock when no one is looking.


Sadly, he has too many skeletons in his closet. No, really.


I am honored to grace the threshhold of your dirty mind during private time, no matter where I am in the batting order.


Son of a...! OK, I'm working on it.


P-U-S-H O-double F.