Sunday, December 30, 2007

Godzilla vs. Jesus

I actually had no idea there was another Alien vs. Predator movie coming out, but this creates a perfect intro to a post I have been sitting on for a while. So who will win? Neither Alien nor Predator will be a clear winner as long as money is to be had from more sequels. And who really cares? You can pit any two movie monsters against each other, but in the end Godzilla wins. And no one should even suggest that King Kong would stand a chance. Unless King Kong starts pissing missiles and shooting laser beams out of his ass, he doesn't stand a fucking chance. Godzilla wins. Alien vs. Godzilla? Godzilla wins. Predator vs. Godzilla? Godzilla wins. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man? Godzilla wins.

There are a few heroes who may have a glimmer of hope against incarnate unstopability. Let's run down the list...

Godzilla vs. Superman: OK, Son of Krypton, what do you got for us? Super-speed and superior intellect, sure. No doubt Supes can win the battle, but he ain't winning the war. You can use all the heat vision you want, you are going to be back in the same position sixty years later when Gojira crawls back up from the rubble just as strong as ever. You repeat this for a couple of cycles and Superman will start looking less like Kal-el and more like Jor-el. And how the hell is Brando gonna stand up to the radiation breath? Godzilla wins.

So do we have someone above a superman?

Godzilla vs. Ultraman: Ultraman eats rubber-suit monsters for breakfast. He also has the cultural significance (in Japanese and geek-boy circles) to put up a good fight. But there are those four nagging words that will spell his certain doom, "Can't...reach...the...capsule." And even if the guy does reach the toilet-paper-roll-holder-thing that turns him into Ultraman, he has that big energy meter timer on his chest counting down to when he is a puny human again. He is a laptop with a half-charged battery going against the Energizer bunny. Godzilla wins.

So we need a guy who can keep coming back to life and has limitless power...

Godzilla vs. Jesus: Unless Godzilla starts changing money in the temple, there isn't a lot of weakness he can exploit. Here is how I see this one playing out: Godzilla is cruising into Tokyo Bay, but before he even gets to the breakwater the Anointed One is strolling out over the waves to intercept him. Then you get that great shot of Godzilla's eye breaking the surface of the water and his pupil focusing in, but the Prince of Peace is right there pulling some Crocodile Dundee shit on him and has him hypnotized. A quick laying on of hands and all the radiation sickness is cleansed in a big white flash. JC then strolls back into shore petting a harmless iguana. Sorry Godzilla, to claim the victory Jesus won.

But if it takes the King of Kings to bring down the King of the Monsters, there is no shame in that. But the only one stopping Godzilla is God. You go, Godzilla! Go, go, Godzilla!

13 comments:

Bubs said...

Wait--was this what we were supposed to be celebrating a few days ago?

Hot Lemon said...

I can't wait to see the J-Man vs. Godzilla!! I mean, here I thought that whole "not by bread alone" gig in the desert was waaaay kewl!!

pistols at dawn said...

I would stand in line (or in New York, "on line") to see that movie. Especially if Jesus had a quippy robot sidekick who rapped.

Evil Evil Genius said...

P@D,

I will just lift the cast from this freeze-frame joke from a Simpsons episode:

- End credits to "The Poke of Zorro" {oe}

Cast
Zorro ................................. John Byner
Robot Zorro ......................... Shawn Wayans
Mrs. Zorro ........................... Rita Rudner
Scarlet Pimpernel ...... Curtis "Booger" Armstrong
King Arthur ......................... Cheech Marin
Man in the Iron Mask ................ Gina Gershon
Wise Nun .............................. Posh Spice
Stupid Nun .......................... Meryl Streep
Time Traveler #1 ......... Stone Cold Steve Austin
Orangutan at Dance ..................... "Puddles"
Gay-Seeming Prince ................. Spalding Gray
Man Beating Mule .................... Eric Roberts
Mule Beating Man ........................... "Gus"
Hiccuping Narrator ......................... Pele
President Van Buren ................. Robert Evans
Corky ............................ Anthony Hopkins
Voice of Magic Taco ............. James Earl Jones

The Producers would like to thank:
Film Board of Canada
The Philadelphia Flyers
The Makers of Whip Balm
Mr. Robert Guccione
The Teamsters Pension Fund
AAABest Bail Bonds
Mr. and Mrs. Curtis "Booger" Armstrong

SkylersDad said...

I want to see Godzilla Vs The Tick!

Mariposa said...

I would love to see this movie too... ;)

Happy new year!

Dale said...

A time travelling Godzira could head back to the manger and breathe it on fire thereby assuring his rightful place at the right hand of the world. Go godzira go!

Evil Genius said...

Damn it, Dale! You just ruined the sequel!

pistols at dawn said...

I have never encountered this Simpsons joke and love the show a little more for it.

Leonesse said...

wonderful story.

Johnny Yen said...

Perhaps jesus vs. Godzilla was after the Mothra vs. Godzilla battle that was commemorated by a Christmas ornament.

The Idea Of Progress said...

There is one man who could defeat Godzilla.

Huey Lewis.

I'm not elaborating.

Witches In Bikinis said...

Hey all,
Check this out - we have a song, "Jesus vs. Godzilla"
http://www.witchesinbikinis.com/music-39.html

Performed on Fangoria Radio - just the chorus here:
http://www.youtube.com/witchesinbikinis#play/all/uploads-all/0/mfqcH0rRZcc

There's a t-shirt - not ours, I just found this:
http://www.geekwear.biz/GodzillaVSjesus.jpg

And while looking for that, found a game:
http://edwood.org/graphics/pictures/godzilla-vs-jesus.jpg