Thursday, September 11, 2008

Back to sappy (if you have a Y chromosome, skip this post.)

I would like all of our female readers to know that my recent reference to ogling illicit photos of nubile young ladies in naught but their socks in no way reflects upon my feelings for she of the scarlet locks. Please be aware that treating my body like an amusement park is totally independent of my love for and intense sexual attraction to Red. She is indeed and in fact as if Martin L. Gore himself sent me my own personal "Somebody."

Footnote: Hey, British socialized medicine. I haven't seen MLG's teeth in recent years, but I hope you sprung for some braces for this kid before he ended up another Shane McGowan.


cardiogirl said...

I still think you have piggish tendencies, but I appreciate the sentiment.

And I laughed my ass off at the footnote. Stellar.

pistols at dawn said...

I was listening to a radio discussion on this just yesterday. The gent said, "Here's all you need to know about men: before the internet and VCRs, we would all go to tiny places the size of photo booths with a bunch of other disgusting men in similar booths, and we'd all pleasure ourselves in semi-public. Would women ever do that? Well, that's what you're up against."

Evil Genius said...

Dear Cardiogirl,

There are two movie scenes which I feel give the best insight into the male brain. The first is in Old School when Will Ferrel is explaining to the marriage counselor about the waitress at the Olive Garden. If you want to live in the "trust tree" you have to be ready to face some scary shit. Men are not just hairy women with abnormally large clits and non-functioning nipples. We are mutants. Our brains process, store, and connect information in ways so different that it makes Mac and PC compatibility seem like trying to distinguish two different penguins (no Linux reference intended.)

That brings us to the second scene. When Jack Nicholson looses his shit in A Few Good Men he explains that "deep down in places that you don't talk about at cocktail parties, you want me on that line. You need me on that line!" Of course he was talking about patrolling the border between Guantanamo Bay and hostile communist Cuban troops, but the same applies to walking the line between being the refined men you say you want us to be and the vile things which don't care where we pee that we really are. But if we ever fully crossed over into the ethereal world of dust ruffles and potpourri sachets, you would be orders of magnitude more disappointed than if we ever successfully trapped you in the dreaded dutch oven.

Do not be confused. We are not knuckle dragging cavemen because we can't remember birthdays, nor does our unquenchable thirst for watching you prance about in undergarments that poke you and ride up your butt mean that we are incapable of romance. Men invented romance! It is an elaborate construct to allow us to mimic having an infinitesimal percentage of the emotional capacity that you do. And thereby get us laid.

Society is just our great big compromise between The Road Warrior and Sense and Sensibility. The delicate balance we both observe to allow us to live together, get to the sex part (which we both enjoy,) and create a new generation of men and women that don't understand each other. And as Mr.At Dawn pointed out, that generation of men will also display these piggish tendencies, just with much cooler technology with which to acquire images of naked women.

the Evil Genius

cardiogirl said...

Oh EG (shakes head)

First let me say I appreciate the lengthy explanation. I have never seen Old School, but I do enjoy Will Ferrel, so I'll have to check that out.

You totally and completely had me at Jack Nicholson losing his shit in A Few Good Men.

HUGE fan of this monologue (among others in that movie): "deep down in places that you don't talk about at cocktail parties, you WANT me on that line. You NEED me on that line!"

You are correct, EG.

I DO want you on that line. I DO need you on that line.

Of that I am clear. Crystal clear.

Thank you for explaining in depth.

Red said...

EG! You quoted Aaron Sorkin! I'm wiping away a little tear of pride.(We'll ignore the facts that it's "wall" not "line" and I'm pretty sure you didn't know you were quoting A.S.)

But this post is totally sweet. Thank you. I also appreciate the explanation, though you've 'splained it all to me before.

You are a man among men.

Whiskeymarie said...

Don't be fooled- we ogle too. when my Mr. is out of town I read Esquire and cruise the internet for tasty man-nuggets to gaze at.
In my defense, the increased libido activity only helps to rev me up to pounce on him when he gets home, so it's a win-win situation for all.

Evil Genius said...

What makes you thin he enjoys being pounced on? What if he isn't in the mood, huh? What if he...oh, alright I can't keep a straight face anymore. You're right. It's win-win!

Leonesse said...


That was incredible. Thank you. You put into words, so eloquently, what LK had explained to me.

Such wonderful, base, necessary creatures you are.

Now, Red, an nice explanation of the female self-hatred that comes riding in once a month seems in order.