Red and I saw Harry Potter tonight (Sunday.) I am slightly disappointed that they haven't recast Ginny with some piece of ass. Especially since Emma Watson has now caused more than a few wizards to go off into woods to "tame their dragon." The Scarlet Pirate can write a review of The Half-Blood Prince if she would like, I am only reviewing the trailers. Well, one really.
G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra has been hyping up since the Superbowl. And they keep showing that damn scene with the robotic exoskeleton armor where the dude (Roadblock?) asks, "What does it accelerate?" And the scientist guy says "It accelerates you." Which is then followed by scenes guys running and jumping around in these suits like supermen. And based on the other dialogue, it is only their physical skills that are accelerated, not their mental or conversational skills.
But it is not the "that blew'd up real good!" nature of the film that bothers me. It is a movie based on a cartoon based on action figures based on dolls. I am not expecting My Dinner with Andre. What bothers me is the depth and humanity with which they are attempting to imbue The G.I. Joe characters. They are one-dimensional good guys. They don't have closet drinking problems or daddy issues. Sure Flint may have a chip on his shoulder because Duke is in command despite his clearly inferior awesomeness and coolocity, but that can only be mined for so much material.
The real story is, and always has been the bad guys. You don't want the Joes to win so much as you want Cobra to lose. More specifically, you want Cobra Commander to lose. The guy is walking hubris. It is so satisfying every time his plans fail. And each time Destro's frustration grows. Or maybe Major Bludd will realize how crazy the plan is and try to change it, but that will fail too! This is the essence of the G.I. Joe story, of which these trailers indicate no trace.
In fact, you can only have so much respect for a group of Real American Heroes that serve the sole purpose of thwarting the plots of a terrorist organization that has not succeeded in so much as robbing an ATM. What is the point in focusing the story on them? Who cares what stupid accelerator suits they have? All they really have to do is show up and wait for Cobra to fall over themselves. No acceleration necessary. This movie should be the campiest piece of shit since Showgirls, but someone had to go and ruin it by trying to make the heroes interesting.
Yep. Let's follow the formula: dress everyone in black, add lots and lots of 'splosions, create annoying catch phrases by repeating shit over and over, and have plenty of merchandising opportunities built in.
Whatever dillweed they have playing Cobra Commander isn't wearing any type of helmet, cowl or hood! Hes is just some wimpy, skinny, British guy. That is like saying "Ah, we can do Superman without a cape." This is not fanboy whining that they haven't stayed true to my childhood memories, this is just complaining about bad story-telling guised as nostalgia.
Go fuck yourself Hollywood. Grab an oversized monster schlong of a dildo and some anal lube and go fuck yourself.