Sunday, July 26, 2009

Anyone else yearning to see an egomaniacal man with a lisp in a hood arguing with a militant anarchist with a metal head?

Red and I saw Harry Potter tonight (Sunday.) I am slightly disappointed that they haven't recast Ginny with some piece of ass. Especially since Emma Watson has now caused more than a few wizards to go off into woods to "tame their dragon." The Scarlet Pirate can write a review of The Half-Blood Prince if she would like, I am only reviewing the trailers. Well, one really.

G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra has been hyping up since the Superbowl. And they keep showing that damn scene with the robotic exoskeleton armor where the dude (Roadblock?) asks, "What does it accelerate?" And the scientist guy says "It accelerates you." Which is then followed by scenes guys running and jumping around in these suits like supermen. And based on the other dialogue, it is only their physical skills that are accelerated, not their mental or conversational skills.

But it is not the "that blew'd up real good!" nature of the film that bothers me. It is a movie based on a cartoon based on action figures based on dolls. I am not expecting My Dinner with Andre. What bothers me is the depth and humanity with which they are attempting to imbue The G.I. Joe characters. They are one-dimensional good guys. They don't have closet drinking problems or daddy issues. Sure Flint may have a chip on his shoulder because Duke is in command despite his clearly inferior awesomeness and coolocity, but that can only be mined for so much material.

The real story is, and always has been the bad guys. You don't want the Joes to win so much as you want Cobra to lose. More specifically, you want Cobra Commander to lose. The guy is walking hubris. It is so satisfying every time his plans fail. And each time Destro's frustration grows. Or maybe Major Bludd will realize how crazy the plan is and try to change it, but that will fail too! This is the essence of the G.I. Joe story, of which these trailers indicate no trace.

In fact, you can only have so much respect for a group of Real American Heroes that serve the sole purpose of thwarting the plots of a terrorist organization that has not succeeded in so much as robbing an ATM. What is the point in focusing the story on them? Who cares what stupid accelerator suits they have? All they really have to do is show up and wait for Cobra to fall over themselves. No acceleration necessary. This movie should be the campiest piece of shit since Showgirls, but someone had to go and ruin it by trying to make the heroes interesting.

Yep. Let's follow the formula: dress everyone in black, add lots and lots of 'splosions, create annoying catch phrases by repeating shit over and over, and have plenty of merchandising opportunities built in.

Whatever dillweed they have playing Cobra Commander isn't wearing any type of helmet, cowl or hood! Hes is just some wimpy, skinny, British guy. That is like saying "Ah, we can do Superman without a cape." This is not fanboy whining that they haven't stayed true to my childhood memories, this is just complaining about bad story-telling guised as nostalgia.

Go fuck yourself Hollywood. Grab an oversized monster schlong of a dildo and some anal lube and go fuck yourself.

11 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Yeah, when you only have one piece of crap trailer that you can trot out endlessly, you know this is going to be bad. Really bad. Bad with cherries on top.

Red said...

See, in _Waiting for Guffman_ one of the characters actually has _My Dinner with Andre_ action figures.

red said...

I'm so surprised how much vitriol this movie is already receiving. I don't think it looks that bad...no worse than the Transformers and other movies of that ilk.

3vil gEnius said...

Other Red,

It takes a discerning eye for cheese. There is some subjectiveness involved in drawing that line, but it has to be drawn. Why do some people think Journey is awesome, but Styx goes too far? I think SkylersDad has a good point in that if that is all you have for the trailer, there can't be much left in the film. Plenty of movies make it on the strength of a good trailer only to reveal that that is all they've got. If you are starting without even that much, there is no hope.

Transformers made no promises and delivered mindless eye candy. There is something acceptable in that. There could be some great sociological study in that which could be anthropological gold.

Probably not. Who knows. Fanboys are so fickle.

McGone said...

Go fuck yourself Hollywood. Grab an oversized monster schlong of a dildo and some anal lube and go fuck yourself.

Isn't that pretty much an average weekend night in Hollywood? West Hollywood definitely.

Evil Evil Genius said...

McGone? I thought I killed you! What an unexpected plot twist!

Rassles said...

I'm seeing it anyway. The way I figure, I got shafted during Transformers. The creators took into account the straight male/lesbian fanbase of the series, but not the rest of us. The only thing that people have to say about it that's supremely positive is Meghan Fox. But GI Joe, on the other hand, will also appeal to the true blue straight female/gay male fanbase, with Channing Tatum. So I win, and I'm seeing it, because you know what? Fuck Cobra.

Red said...

Ross, you really felt the lack of eye candy in _Transformers_? 'Cause if you give this girl a concept 'vette, she's got all she needs. And if you want eye candy of the male variety, you could just see _Wolverine_ again. Or check out _The Proposal_. (Haven't seen it yet, but it's got Ryan Reynolds. (*drool*)

Evil Genius said...

Your Royal Rasselness,

I had to look that guy up, but he is a fine male specimen. I will not judge you for indulging in your beefcake. They have some hot chicks in this movie too, but I will still pass.

And Red will back me up in that I was far more interested in seeing the C7 Corvette concept than Meghan Fox. She is undeniably hot, but something too Barbie-esque about her for my taste.

GETkristiLOVE said...

That's mostly how I felt about Star Trek, only without the child porn.

Pezda's Ghost said...

I'm mostly pissed that they haven't stayed true to my childhood memories.