What I Like about the Universe

Don't get yer knickers in a twist...

2011-06-08T08:03:00.004-04:00

...sure this is a new post, but it ain't like I am going to be blogging on any sort of regular basis again. I just wanted to put something up to let everyone know I did some housekeeping. I got around to moderating the 600+ comments that had piled up. About 12 were legit. But my sincere thanks to those 12!

More importantly, I cleared all those [lovely] wedding photos out of my Picassa account to make room for Blogger images. So as you can see, at least some of my priorities are straight. This was vitally important to the honeymoon post below. At this point I can't even tell you how I got some of those images, but they come together so beautifully I could not let them vanish into cyberspace. (I love this so much I have already scrolled through it 3 times in another tab while I have been writing this.)

And since it will probably be months before I post again, above is my new graphic of me and Red entitled "come rain or come shine." I have been sucked into bootleg graphics software that is 2 or 3 generations out of date. If anyone is interested in donating to help me buy a fully licensed current version, I will set up a PayPal button.

Honeymoon Photos

2010-11-25T22:46:00.009-05:00

Of course I am not going to post ACTUAL photos from our honeymoon, but if you read between the lines, the following pictures put together a pretty accurate story of what went on...

Introducing...

2010-11-07T16:00:00.002-05:00

...for the first time in the blogosphere, Mr. & Mrs. Evil Genius!

Operation: Start Again

2010-10-29T22:17:00.006-04:00

Why have I not been blogging? Do you not remember that I have been planning a wedding? Oh, you think this is the 1950's when the guy is asked to help pick out the china pattern and then all he has to do is show up? [wrong answer buzzer]

I have been busting my ass for the past however many months. I have spreadsheets like you never seen. I have picked out individual coloring books for each child that will be at the wedding, I have an usher assigned to pay off the homeless guys that hang out on the church steps. I have put 248 stupid labels on 124 stupid bottles of water to go into 62 stupid welcome bags. I have downloaded numerous fonts for the wedding program until finding one Red did not turn her nose up at. I created a save-the-date card that was so brilliant that a lot of people did not understand it. I created an awe-inspiring website and secured a pretty decent domain name for it. I have color-coded seating charts and reformatted them twice so my 70 year-old mother can see that I did not seat my aunt in some dark corner.

So now that we are at T-9 days, I have a few things which I have compared to being less involved than planning a wedding:

Mounting an amphibious assault campaign on Guatemala.
Earning an advanced degree in robotics.
Creating an exact replica of a medieval tapestry that can be carbon dated to no later than the 14th century.
Training cats to ride unicycles.
Making a stop-motion movie of Tess of the d'Ubrvilles using Lego.

Which is why I have named this campaign, Operation: Start Again. Though the folks at Zazzle uncoolly pulled some copyright bullshit on me when I tried to have tee shirts made.

I have my nieces taking video of the reception on Filp cams that I bought them, so I should be able to post some raw footage once we get back from our fabulous honeymoon in Bermuda! (Footage of the honeymoon will not be provided without credit card information.)

What I Like About Targeted Intelligent Marketing

2010-08-31T17:55:00.001-04:00

Since I am not on the Book of Faces, I must inform you that today is the 37th anniversary of my birth. Social media holds no interest for me, but targeted intelligent marketing does. Thanks to this, not only do the banner ads on my Hotmail reflect exactly which watches my mouse has hovered too long over on Overstock.com, I have also received some nice comps from businesses with my DOB.

I have already chowed down on a free double from The Burger Joint last week, and today I got a venti extra shot iced mocha gratis. If red meat and coffee weren't enough, Victoria's Secret sent me a $10 coupon! And if you think that somehow benefits Red more than me, I can draw up some charts for you and put together a presentation that will undoubtedly convince you otherwise. I do not, however, think that will be necessary.

So here is a list of things from The List which I have/will be enjoying today:

1. coffee
4. movies
9. women
10. taking my socks off after work
27. Swedish Fish
35. eating foods I'm not supposed to
64. my Jeep
72. knickers
89. the entire punk lineage of Rock and Roll
and adjunct to #35 - 91. pizza

Thank you all, and goodnight.

2010 Shakespeare Film Festival

2010-08-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

4. Kenneth Branagh's "Henry V"

EG - OK, this was my big winner that I couldn't wait for Red to see. About 10 minutes in we were both getting bored. There are absolutely no orcs in this film! I think I may have been thinking of the wrong movie.

I'll tell you what it does have:

A motivational speech that would make Tony Robbins feel like he has been wasting his life.
A perfect vehicle for getting stunning actress Emma Thompson to marry a schlubby looking director.
The best medieval battle commited to celluloid.
And an impossibly young Christian Bale in the role of the aptly named "Boy."

Would I recommend you watch this? Frankly, n0. Don't bother. Just wait till next year for what surely will be Branagh's magnum opus - Thor! As for Henry V, I give it 3.5 jester skulls.

Red - You can't go to school for acting and not get to know this play. "O, for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention..." The prologues are amazing. The parts in between the prologues occasionally get dull, but I found the pacing generally good.

Branagh is quite good in the title role. I totally buy that the former party guy has grown into a king. He has some very human moments throughout the film, as well as times where he knows he has to be a king and steps up. He also did a helluva job directing.

The young Christian Bale is a treat. The scene between Branagh and his future missus is nice indeed. I'll second what EG says about the battles, because he watched them and I didn't.

I was terribly remiss in posting this, so it's not as clear in my mind as I'd like, but I'm going to echo EG's 3.5 Yoricks.

Proposed new weekday initialisms

2010-07-22T19:15:00.001-04:00

D.T.T.M.I.M. = Don't Talk To Me, It's Monday.
H.T.F.I.I.T.A? = How The Fuck Is It Tuesday Already?
W.A.T.G.A.F.A. = Wednesdays Are The Greatest Argument For Atheism.
T-A.L.T.G.T.V. = Thursday - At Least There's Good Television
and the one most in need of revision...
C.F.M.Z.T.N:60 = Casual Friday Means Zero to Naked in 60 seconds.

Marvel vs. DC

2010-07-17T07:58:00.002-04:00

This is a great superhero pic I found for the post below. I was thinking it was just Marvel vs. DC, but it is specifically the Avengers vs. the Justice League of America. Which explains why they don't have Mr. Fantastic (of the Fantastic Four) fighting Plastic Man. (Incredibly stupid super power anyway.)

I don't know who all these cats and chicks are, but here is my run down. Marvel's Avengers are on the left, DC's JLA is on the right. So, from the top:

The Vision vs. Martian Manhunter
This is one of DC's few victories. The Vision is an android and is kind of a rip off. Plus Martian Manhunter's real alien name is J'onn J'onz (John Jones.) Cheeky!

LIttle Background People I Don't Care About
Green Girl vs Fire girl - don't know, don't care. Hercules vs some Roman chick - huh? Glowing Guy vs Cape Guy - think these may be super old school guys. Not sure.

She-Hulk vs. Wonder Woman
This is win-win!

Black Falcon vs Hawkman
Another DC win. Hey, Marvel. Here's a tip. He is just The Falcon and he happens to be a black guy. Plus Hawkman has a morning star.

Green Guy vs John Henry Steel
Don't know who the Marvel guy is, so anther DC victory. (Even if Shaq did portray him.)

Namor the Submariner vs. Aquaman
Do we really need to get into this? Probably the most one sided fight going down here. Aquman has a really cool new story where he cuts off his own hand to save the life of his infant son. He now has a spear grafted to his arm instead. But he is still Aquaman. Namor on the other hand has always been a severe bad-ass.

Quasar vs. Firestorm
Just sad I know who these guys are.

Black Widow vs. Unknown DC chick
Did you see Iron Man 2? Did you see Scarlet Johansen in a black leather cat suit?

Black Panther vs. Blue Guy
It is OK if the superhero has "black" in the name and happens to be a black guy if the persona is also black in color. Marvel.

Iron Man vs. Green Lantern
This is a mismatch. Iron Man, billionaire playboy with no super powers and cool weapons, obviously has more in common with Batman, whom he would demolish. Marvel wins. Green Lantern is a cosmic sentinel which makes him more of a match for the Silver Surfer (not an Avenger.) GL stands no chance against the Surfer. But in this match up Tony Stak should get his lunch handed to him.

Thor vs. Superman
I know, I know. Superman is Superman. But Thor is a god! All he has to do is drag Kal-el's ass to a planet with a red sun and that's the end of that.

More Background People
Tiger Chick (Feral?) vs Purple Chick (Raven?) - don't know either, but the purple chick is shakin' in her boots. Giant Man vs Iron Mask Guy - don't know who the DC guy is or why he seems to be throwing Giant Man for a loop, but my money is still on the 20 ft tall dude. Ms. Marvel vs. Marvel Girl - DC shouldn't use the adjective "marvel" for anything. I think that may be Wonder Man vs. Shazam (Captain Marvel) -I'll give DC that one too. Extend-o Arm Guy vs Plastic Man - Again, just a stupid super power. Yellow Power Chick vs White Power Chick - who cares.

Quicksilver vs. The Flash
Draw.

Hawkeye vs. Green Arrow
Draw.

The Scarlet Witch vs Magician Chick
Don't know who the lame DC character is, but based on costume alone Marvel has this wrapped up.

Random Foreground People
The Beast vs Unfortunate Hairdo Chick - The Beast is a ringer from the X-Men. That is cheating a little. Way to go, Marvel! And the Wasp vs Some Tiny Dude - are they fighting over who is smaller?

and finally...

Captain America vs. Batman
Well, here we are at last. Two guys everyone knows. This is a weird match up though. As stated above, Batman should be getting blow'd up by Iron Man. I like Batman. How can you not? But Captain America actually has superpowers. And stands for freedom and liberty and killing Nazis. And when Captain America throws his mighty shield, all those who dare to oppose must yield! Advantage: Cap.

So true believers, until next time keep fighting the good fight. And make mine Marvel!

The Superhero epithet and sobriquet quiz

2010-07-16T06:57:00.003-04:00

OK, quiz time boys and girls. (Though I am guessing mostly boys on this one.) Just Like the Rock and Roll Nicknames Quiz, just highlight the black text at the end of the ellipsis for the answer.

Since DC sucks, let's get them out of the way first. Plus, these are so easy it will be sort of a warm up:

The Man of Steel ................... Superman
The Dark Knight .................... Batman
The Caped Crusader .............. also Batman
The Fastest Man Alive ............ The Flash

And now, since Marvel cornered the market on these, the good stuff:

The Amazing ........................ Spiderman
The Spectacular .................... also Spiderman
The Incredible ....................... Hulk
The Uncanny ........................ X-Men
The Invincible ....................... Iron Man
The Mighty ........................... Thor
...the Man without Fear ......... Daredevil
The Sorcerer Supreme .......... Dr. Strange
Sentinel of the Spaceways ..... The Silver Surfer

If you know some that I missed I'd be happy to hear them, although happier that I am only this big of a geek and no bigger.

Tomorrow: A list of who all the guys in the picture are. More or less.

2010 Shakespeare Film Festival

2010-07-09T13:27:00.000-04:00

3. Hamlet (2000)

EG - After seeing this again I realized I not only overrated this in my mind, but did the same for Scotland, PA. I would say they are both only worthy of 2 Yoricks on my scale of 5.

In the case of Scotland, PA it is worth watching for the clever adaptation and Muara Tierney. In the case of Hamlet it is also worth watching for elements rather than the sum of the film.

These elements are:

Bill Murray as Polonius
Julia Stiles' scene with the Polaroid flowers
and the featuring of and footage shot with the PXL 2000

That's it. End EG's review. As perviously stated, I give it 2 Yoricks.

Red - I am quite the Hamlet buff. That happened more or less by accident, but we are talking about arguably the greatest play in the English language. This is not the greatest Hamlet ever, or probably even the greatest Hamlet on film. (Although I'm not familiar with any others and it's probably at least twice as good as the one I once caught part of on TV with Campbell Scott [who I love] in the title role where someone decided we should be able to hear the voices in Hamlet's head.)

What made this movie for me was casting. Skipping the title role and the ones EG mentioned, I really dug Kyle McLaughlin as Claudius, and also the always diggable Liev Schreiber as Laertes. In an interesting bit of WILATU film fest synergy, Diana Verona played Gertrude. She also played Lady Capulet in Baz Luhrman's Romeo + Juliet. She was good, too. And, okay, since neither of us has mentioned him, Ethan Hawke was a'ight in the title role, though he's neither the greatest nor the worst Hamlet there's ever been, or even that I've ever seen.

I give it 3 Yoricks.

The Historic Liquor Store District: Attractions in our Nation's Capital not listed in Fodor's

2010-06-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

I work in one of the less affluent sections of the DC metro area. One of those places that you might guess for a possible location when you hear about a shooting on the evening news. But it is gentrified adjacent and not the deepest gutter of the 'hood by any means. And even though it is inside the beltway, it is still in the 'burbs.

Red had an old friend in a good play which I was happy to go see with her. It was playing in a neighborhood downtown which is roughly around the same socio-economic level as described above. The fun part was driving there via the most direct route my GPS plotted for me.

First you drive through some rough parts where there are numerous options of stores for pay day loans, braiding salons, and grocerias. Then you cross the Popeye's/Bojangles line where things start to get a little dicier. This is where you can actually see thought balloons over people's heads reading, "That poor white boy is lost."

Unbeknownst to me there is a further demarcation. Let's call it the Bojangles/Church's line. This is where you will find Washington, DC's historic Liquor Store District not listed in the Fodor's travel guide. Blocks and blocks of nothing but coolers filled with 40's and counters offering limitless varieties of scratch-off tickets. Uninterrupted purveyors of malt liquor and well-marketed cognac one right next to another with no concern of vying for market share. Having seen the equally upsetting other side of the coin where multimillion dollar McMansions cover untold square miles of upper-upper-upper-upper middle class sprawl, in the back of my mind I knew this had to exist somewhere in the same region. Their housekeepers have to taking those buses home to somewhere.

I began to think about the miserable lives of the denizens. Working tedious hourly jobs with no benefits and no vacation. Paying rent when you can and laughing at the late notices the utility companies keep sending you. Living a relentless cycle of working and drinking with no hope of upward mobility regardless of work ethic. What kind of lives were these?

After this I hit the unapologetic blight of North East Crackton and received an answer to my philosophical query: "Lives that these people envy." No stores of any description exist here, just burnt out low income housing. They would kill for a Church's Chicken - no, really. They gave up on the soothing comfort of booze long ago. I can't imagine any vestige of civilization permeates that gutted squalor. This is beyond even Thunderdome.

So the next time you plan a trip to Wasshington, skip the Smithsonian and drive just past New York Avenue. Or down to Ward 8 where Marion Barry still gets elected to city council. You will get a more authentic feel for the DC I know and... know.

Unintended Ringtone Double Entendre

2010-06-18T11:42:00.002-04:00

Several months ago Red and I visited Pezda on a long-overdue trip. During the course of which my amazingly cool Android phone played the alert tone I had downloaded and set for reminders. This was the "transform up" sound from the original Transformers cartoon. This garnered a few quizzical looks from around the table. I should have put a little more thought into my explanation:

"Something just transformed in my pocket."

Which was only half as funny as the tears-welling-up, gasping-to-the-point-of-almost-being-silent, three-to-five-minute laughing fit it induced in our aforementioned erstwhile Blogger buddy. As far as I know he is still giggling.

Alternate generic and brand names for disinfectant wipes

2010-06-16T11:27:00.001-04:00

How hard is it to hit the GD bowl?
It's not me, it's the boys!
Kitchen Cleaning Wipes. KITCHEN! (We swear you can use them there, too.)
Whizz-B-Gone
I'm not touching that!
Boys Are Gross!
Newman's Own Salad Dressing Removers

and the clear winner:

Pee Wipes

The Smiths Lyric of the Week

2010-06-13T11:23:00.001-04:00

"It was dark as I drove the point home. And on cold leather seats, well it suddenly struck me - I just might die with a smile on my face after all."

-That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

The Great Waffle Shortage of 2010

2010-05-26T08:44:00.000-04:00

Are you aware of the dearth of frozen breakfast offerings in America's supermarkets? I wish I were kidding about this, but there is a waffle shortage.You think I'm kidding? Go to the frozen foods section of your nearest purveyor of cryogenically suspended griddle goodies and see if there ain't a piece of paper auspiciously taped the door.

No specifics are given as to what has caused this shortage other than "supply constraints," which rules out my theory of catastrophic equipment failure caused by an unnecessarily long chain reaction of humorous events triggered by some absurdly tiny accident. Perhaps there are new government imposed buttermilk regulations in place limiting the amount Kellog's is entitled to each month. Maybe a simple weevil infestation of the buckwheat crop. There could also be a secret formula for Artificial Homestyle Flavoring #5 which needs to backward engineered from a small remaining quantity in the 500,000 gallon vat they created in 1952 and estimated would last through the year 2000 and beyond (by which time mutual assured destruction by means of nuclear warfare would have surely eliminated the entire waffle eating population.)

I do credit them for keeping just enough dribs and drabs coming to stave off riotous scenes in which "leggo my Eggo" takes on a sadistically dark meaning. And then of course there is always the store brand. But Safeway never really came close to nailing a decent substitute for AHF#5. *sigh*

Back Online! with another video post

2010-05-20T21:58:00.004-04:00

So we are back online. Time to try out my new technology. I bought a Flip video camera with the idea that I may get a few more, set them up in stationary locations and have some hand-held shots, then edit this all together in lieu of a traditional wedding video. Here we are testing the thing almost straight ought of the box.

I Didn't Miss Them 'til I Realized They Were Gone

2010-05-20T13:46:00.008-04:00

They don't make crispy M&Ms anymore! When did this happen?

They came out in 1999. (So it says in the "History" section of mms.com.) As it happens, that's when I graduated from college and I was interning at a summer theatre in Montclair, NJ. I remember buying big bags of them and eating them for breakfast (washed down with actual coffee, rather than the decaf I drink now) on many a day. I'll cop to having no clear memory of the last time I had them, though I remember getting them in the individual bags in years after 1999. See, crispy M&Ms were lower cal than the other kinds, if only slightly, because part of the space was taken up by puffed rice (or something) and therefore was air instead of chocolate. They came in a blue bag.

But somewhere along the way, they stopped making them. Also during that time (maybe?), they introduced dark chocolate M&Ms. Now, I'm a dark chocolate girl. Dark chocolate M&Ms aren't all that, but I've eaten several (or possibly many) pounds of them over the years. I mean, it's cheap, convenient dark chocolate. Which is actually health food, right? I mean, sort of? (Note: If you're interested in a dark chocolate supermarket candy that's better than dark M&Ms, those new Hershey's Special Dark pieces are pretty damn good. And I'm not a Hershey girl.)

Then the other day at Target, I picked up a package of new pretzel M&Ms. I figured, "Hey, these might be worth a try." The package was blue. I took them into work and put them in my desk drawer. Then I was eating a few and I realized, "Hey! They don't make crispy M&Ms anymore!" Which is kind of a bummer. The pretzel are - I'm not kidding, even though it sounds silly - harder to chew.

My pain-in-the-neck coworker thinks they should just stick to plain and peanut. That's what they do well, that's what they should do. I really hate to admit it when he's right, but in this case, maybe he is. Pretzel M&Ms aren't as good as chocolate covered pretzels. Dark chocolate M&Ms aren't as good as semi-sweet chocolate chips nor these new Hershey things. And coconut M&Ms, while I applaud the effort, can't come close to Mounds bars. (Mmmm. Mounds bars. *drool*) Crispy M&Ms actually filled a niche that isn't occupied. They have something in common with Nestle Crunch and a few other bars, but they're different.

Wanna know something crazy, though? As much as I love chocolate, I crave spinach salad more. At least sometimes.

Walk MS 2010 Wrap Up

2010-05-16T21:00:00.007-04:00

Once again this year, EG and I are so grateful to all of you who sponsored us for the walk. As I mentioned before, I think, I didn't actually walk this year. Thanks to those of you who sponsored me anyway, to those who sponsored EG, who walked on my behalf, and very much to you, EG for both your walking and fundraising efforts.

EG and I raised a total of $2,155 this year! Of that total, $785 came from those connected to us through WILATU!! I phrase it that way because anchoring the team again this year was Wendy Brandes, who not only gave us a generous contribution herself but also reached out to her friends and family, who also accounted for a chunk of the total. Wendy and her friends gave us over 60% of what we raised from people we know online, and we really, really appreciate it. As you may have noticed, we have put a permanent link to Wendy Brandes Jewelry on the sidebar. Check it out!

Many, many thanks also to:

Suze, of Suzel's Sass

Beth, once upon a time of Cup of Coffey

Patroness of the arts/sometime WILATU contributor getKRISTIlove, of 2 minutes in the box

Beckeye, of The Pop Eye

FranIAm, now of There Will Be Bread

Grant Miller, of Grant Miller Media.

McGone, whose International House of Blogcakes is still up, even if it's no longer updated

SkylersDad, of Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through the Leather Straps (which, incidentally, may be my favorite blog name ever)

And last but certainly not least, WhiskeyMarie, of Never What You Think It Should Be

I would like to move the photos at the top around, but can't make it happen. Maybe EG will later. It's worth noting, however, that I posted both of them because I like the one where he's smiling better, and he likes the other one. But that was predictable.

RIP, Lena Horne

2010-05-10T10:16:00.003-04:00

Does anyone else remember her singing "I've Got a Crush on You" to Kermit the frog? The NY times obit is here. R.I.P., Ms. Horne.

Video post from my phone

2010-05-04T10:15:00.000-04:00

Damn you, Ben! You, too, Jerry!

2010-04-27T13:44:00.005-04:00

As you may remember me mentioning in this post, Free Cone Day at Ben and Jerry's is one of the best days of my year. As I mentioned in this post, I've missed it before, either due to being in Wyoming, where if you're not near Jackson Hole you're outta luck, or due to being too damn busy. (But not usually. I'll make time for free ice cream.)

Free Cone Day typically falls toward the end of April. The last or second-to-last Tuesday. Last year, (oh, happy day!) it actually fell on my birthday. So I figured that this year it would be today, probably, but possibly last Tuesday. So last Tuesday, I sought out the Ben and Jerry's website so as not to miss one of the happiest days of my year. Oddly, I found no mention of it. So I googled "Free Cone Day 2010," only to find out that those bastards moved it back to March 23!

Now, I'm 33, and both EG and I have (thank you, Lord) decent jobs at the moment, so I could actually afford to go to Ben and Jerry's and buy a damn ice cream cone if I wanted. Or get a pint of the stuff and keep it in the freezer. But Free Cone Day is special. I'm sorry to have missed standing in line in the sunshine with all the happy strangers who are getting free ice cream, too. I'm sorry to have missed giving all of you a heads up so that you can share in the joy, if you so choose. But this year, it was not to be.

Still, the Genius is marrying me, so I'm guessing that 2010 won't be a total loss ;)

What Red Likes About the Universe

2010-04-21T02:46:00.015-04:00

In honor of her 33rd, here are some of the things I wish I could get in the same room for her:

Happy Birthday, Red!

Coming soon...a new avatar for Red!

2010-04-09T08:25:00.003-04:00

Thanks to GkL you all know where this post is headed, but I will still give you the back story. (By the by, I am blogging from work (off the clock) so I can finally get this damn post up.)

About two years ago I found a picture of Kathrine Hepburn to serve as an avatar for Red. Her favorite movie is The Philadelphia Story and it just seemed to fit her. The crazy part of this was that we had been broken up for just over a year at that point.

We had gotten past airing our dirty laundry in the comments of the sorely missed Save Your Generation, but it was not like we were exactly on speaking terms.I was carefully tracking her viewings of WILATU through my Sitemeter, and Pistols At Dawn was chastising us both for hijacking his blog.

The day before what would have been our third anniversary, I posted the avatar you are now familiar with at the top of my pictorial blogroll (which now has its own site.) It was intended as a gesture. I put it up Friday and was going to take it down on Monday. I wasn't trying to get her back. I was dating someone else and so was she.

She saw it almost immediately (because checking my blog daily was part of her healthy ex-girlfriend behavior) and sent me an email saying, "I'm flattered, EG, but WTF?" We exchanged a few emails and it began to dawn on us both that maybe we weren't as done with each other as we thought. So she stopped seeing the alcoholic d-bag city councilman/pool guy, I stopped seeing the bipolar foreign grad student sociographer and we started seeing each other again.

It wasn't like it was smooth sailing out of the gate for "Us 2.0". For a while there I was also entertaining Girlfriend #2. Red was still rough around the edges and I wasn't too sure dating my ex was the best idea in the world, but she was still Girlfriend #1. And after a while I realized that there was no need for Girlfriend #2. So I stopped seeing the gluten-free hippie Buddhist ESL teacher and decided to be a man instead of a guy (which is far more typical behavior for me.)

We had been back together for almost two years. There were some big improvements on both ends and it helped out the relationship tremendously. Most of the reasons I cited for keeping things in low gear were slipping away. I would make references to the future or ask stupid questions about serious shit and Red would not reply but simply hold out her left hand and stare at the vacant real estate on her finger.

On the 5th anniversary of our first date I decided it was time. I had a killer 1ct Asher cut diamond set in platinum on a gold ring waiting patiently in its little box in my fire safe for the past three years. I bought it during the end of "Us 1.0" when I couldn't decide whether I was going to marry her or break up with her. I made the right decision both times. This was the path we needed to take to get here. Here being the swingset at the pocket park two blocks from my house where I knelt down in the snow.

So ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, you are cordially invited to check back on November 7, 2010 to see Red's new avatar. Which will be the only post up for a while unless someone wants to jump in and guest blog while we are on our honeymoon. And no, we do not plan to have any pictures to share with you when we get back.

Until then you can check out our wedding website (updated as we continue to make plans) to read my witty take on providing information and find out all you need to know to crash the gate. And I will try to post here from time to time when my DSL is back up. I promise I'll try to have more than just rants about wedding planning, but like airline fees and ED medication, it is low hanging comedy fruit that is hard to resist

Exploring Other Options

2010-04-07T18:42:00.005-04:00

I have been cable free since '03. I had a falling out with the now defunct Adelphi cable company in Chicago and swore off cable. That was back in aught-one. I was on the dish for 2 years and happy with that. I have been surviving off rabbit ears ever since.

Since I am still waiting for my phone and DSL to come back up, I decided to see if Comcast could hook me up before Verizon gets off their lazy ass. As I was checking out their availability in my area (I got an error on the results page - not a good sign,) they invited me to live chat with a representative. This is roughly how it went:

Comcast Rep: Comcast Rep has signed on.

Comcast Rep: Welcome to Comcast. We have great features, blah, blah, blah. Standard sales pitch.

Evil Genius: Evil Genius has logged on.

CR: Hello.

EG: Hi Comcast Rep

CR: What can I help you with today?

EG: I need phone and internet service.

CR: What Comcast services do you currently have?

EG: None. You suck donkey balls, but I am desperate.

CR: What is your complete address so I can check your area for service?

EG: 123 Fake Street

EG: Apt 1

EG: Evil Lair, USA 12345

CR: Please stand by while I check that address.

CR: Thank you for your patience while I check.

EG: Fine. I have been without service for a week and the phone company says it will be another 14 days. So if you can hook me up before then, I'll buy your standard bait-and-switch package deal.

CR: Great news! We have service in your area. Do you have a contact number where one of representatives can reach you?

EG: Can you get me service or not?

CR: If you provide your phone number a sales rep will be happy to assist you.

EG: Your phone number is right there on the website. I could have easily dialed it if I wanted to talk to someone.

CR: We can provide you with great offers if you are willing to speak to one of our sales reps.

EG: So why do you have a chat option if you aren't able to assist me with the same services as an operator?

no response.

Evil Genius: Evil genius has ended this session.

Please Stand By

2010-04-05T19:15:00.001-04:00

Phone line is down. Has been for days. Verizon assures me they can have it fixed in approximately 14 days. Blogging from my phone. Posts will be limited. Thank you for your patience.

I'm Sure Fernando Couldn't Be Happier

2010-03-23T12:38:00.001-04:00

After five years of dating, the Evil Genius finally got down on one knee and proposed to Red.
Congrats you two!!!
Can we see the ring???

Sweet!

"Hoping very much that there will never come a year when I can't."

2010-03-08T21:58:00.007-05:00

Last year I told you in this post about being diagnosed with MS. The full quote above was,"I'm so damn happy that I can still walk that I plan to do this every year I'm able. Hoping very much that there will never come a year when I'm not." But as I said in this post, the walk was a lot harder than I thought it would be last year. These days, I often need a cane when I'm not getting around my apartment or office. It just doesn't seem like attempting to walk 3 miles would be smart. So EG is walking for me. You can sponsor him here.

Last year, the WILATU community raised a total of $500! Thanks to all of you who helped us last year. Whether you were on that list or not, please consider making a contribution this year. Exciting things are happening in MS research. Within the last few weeks, the FDA has approved the first drug ever developed specifically to treat a symptom of MS. It's called Ampriva, and it's helping some MS patients to walk better. I haven't gotten to try it yet, but I've been in touch with my doctor and I expect to try it soon. Also, soon after the walk last year, I had two episodes pretty much back to back. (Perhaps you remember the eye patch photo?) So in October, I started taking different meds. I need to go to a doctor's office once every four weeks to get them, but two out of three people on this drug don't have episodes while they're on it. This drug is also pretty new - it's only been around since 2006 or 2007. So I feel pretty motivated to keep raising money for the MS society, which helps fund promising research projects for new, even better drugs. And one day, if we're lucky, there will be a cure.

Any contribution you can make is welcome and appreciated. Thanks much for your consideration.

Kristi Love Asked For It: More Argyle Dudes!

2010-02-23T17:55:00.004-05:00

Nordic Men's Curling Team

P.O.E.T.S. Friday

2010-02-19T07:42:00.000-05:00

The gravity of poets as ranked by beard.

Senator flips Congress a metaphoric bird

2010-02-17T08:16:00.006-05:00

This dude is my new hero. He is the poster boy for the Radical Middle. He has summed up most of my most recent concerns about America's future (namely extreme partisanship and special interest control.) I really have no idea what his political leanings are or how he has voted in the past, but I can tell you that he is the first politician in a while that I would describe as a leader.

He had his seat in the bag for the next six years. Easy money. But he said, "Eff this noise." And handed in his notice.

Furthermore, he has drawn attention to the fact that though politics has always been the bane of government, it has escalated to a point of irreparable damage. Basically the system is a broke and it would take an Act of Congress to fix it. Of course, therein lies the problem.

So I ain't telling anyone what to do, but I am taking into serious consideration his plea to vote out ALL incumbents. Maybe you should give it some thought, too. But only if you ever want to see any kind of effective legislation passed. If you are fine with every new bill having a hundred hidden riders and not making any substantial impact on it's original intention, then sure, keep voting how you always do.

Argyle Dudes of the Month

2010-02-15T11:19:00.004-05:00

The Monaco Bobsleigh Team & Alpine Skiers

Happy Black Angel of Death Day

2010-02-14T00:00:00.002-05:00

That's what my friend A. and I used to call today when we were in college. Never once did I have a date on Valentine's Day back then, although junior year I was studying in London and they took all of us (200 or so) to Paris for the weekend. Then I learned that if you're alone on Valentine's Day, you may as well be in Paris. Plus, an older French man I met at the market did ask me out, but he was older and a stranger and I was 20, innocent, and not given to taking chances.

From my college adviser, I picked up the habit of wearing black on Feb. 14. While I'm sure many singles do, especially if they're bitter about it, I know that I am personally responsible for my friend J. doing this on Feb. 14 with some degree of frequency. She's now married to a very nice fellow she met shortly after I met the Genius, but she still does it some years, I think to express solidarity with those who are single and unhappy about it. Perhaps also to protest against a holiday that, let's face it, is almost exclusively commercial.

Valentine's Day isn't so bad when you're a kid. At my school, every kid in the class brought in a valentine for every other kid in the class and there was probably some sort of cookie or some such involved. Plus, I always got some sort of little present and a box of those Necco sweetheart candies from my mom. But when I moved to Florida and went to a public middle school, Valentine's Day was rough. For starters, those were painfully awkward years for me - I had planes and angles where curves would later be - and very few kids in my grade were nice to me, whereas plenty were downright awful. I was a new kid and I had a very hard time fitting in. But some kids, precocious effers, were already dating, or at least "dating" in middle school terms. Honesty, I'm not sure what that entailed. But some girls would be walking around on Feb. 14 with teddy bears or flowers or balloons - some definite sign that there was a boy who thought they were special. And I started to feel like kind of a loser because none of the boys thought I was. I mean, looking back, I can see that it was a dumb thing to care about at 12. Far more girls, at that stage of the game anyway, were like me and had nothing than had a gift to flaunt. But as 16, 17, 18 rolled around, I felt bad on 2/14 every year. My mom always got me something - even after I went off to college and moved to New York, God bless her, she sent me something. Including the year I studied abroad. Thanks, Mom.

The year I was 17 was particularly rough. I was working at the grocery store and had to watch dozens of guys coming in and buying candy and flowers and cards and knowing that no one was shopping for me. Plus, I had recently fallen head over heels for one of the cashiers. Who had a girlfriend. He came in and bought a little white teddy bear for her. On his way out, he ran into me in the parking lot (I was a bag girl). We talked for a few minutes. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, "Happy Valentine's Day, dear." The saddest part of that story is that for years that was the best Valentine's Day I ever had.

One year - I swear it's true - I had a gig handing out Hershey's kisses in Times Square. I was part of a team of "cupids" who donned a bright pink set of coveralls, little feather wings held on by elastic and hats that looked like Hershey's kisses. Because I'm sometimes a masochist, I also picked that day to quit coffee cold turkey. And I had to show up at 6 a.m. What was I thinking? I was thinking that this day always sucks anyway; a caffeine headache really wouldn't make it that much worse

I have been luckier since I passed the quarter century mark. The V-day I was 25, I had just had a good first date a few days before. I can't remember if he called me on 2/14 or, I think, maybe 2/12, but it was clear there would be a second date, so I didn't feel bad, for a change. The next year, for the first time ever, I had a date on Valentine's Day. With a guy I'd just started seeing, so it wasn't a big deal or anything, but it felt pretty good. That was also the last time I ever spoke to my college adviser. "John, I have a date!" I told him. "Well, that is news," he replied. That ended up being rather short lived, as did all my "relationships" until EG came along. By the following Valentine's Day, I'd met him, and it really hasn't sucked since. It didn't feel great the year we were apart, but even then, I could believe in love because it had actually happened to me.

I don't think it's ever come up here before that Valentine's Day 2008 was our first official date in 14 mos. Or, as I think of it, our second first date. Today, we've been back together for two years. Not like it's been perfectly smooth sailing, especially at first, but the water's been calm for a while now and I feel like a very lucky woman.

I know most of our (half dozen or so) readers have a special someone, and I wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day. For anyone who doesn't, today is just a day. Hold your head up high and know that you're pretty damn awesome and if you want there to be someone who appreciates that, sooner or later there will be. But if you happen to go to the grocery store, or the movie theatre or something today? Don't wish the cashier or whoever a Happy Valentine's Day unless she says it first. Maybe she just doesn't want to think about it.

2010 Shakespeare Film Festival

2010-02-11T07:36:00.002-05:00

2. "Scotland, PA"

EG - Macbeth! Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth! I'll say it all day. Superstitious theatre folk think this play is cursed and the mere mention of its name, Macbeth, as bad luck. But this is a movie. A movie based on the play Macbeth.

This version of Macbeth is set in a small town in Eastern Pennsylvania in the late 70's with Duncan's fast food restaurant standing in as the kingdom. Which, when blind ambition takes over, becomes McBeth's.

Now the play Macbeth is some dark fucking drama, so the director's decision to make this a black comedy is quite welcome. The fact that he cast brunette supercutie Maura Tierney as alphabitch Lady Macbeth proves that he too is an evil genius. She leaves no question as to why the slightly less ambitious "Mac" is a slave to that pussy.

On top of this you get Christopher Walken playing a detective character that has such shades of Columbo that it is mentioned in the dialogue. And that du mpy guy who always plays the dimwitted friend in indie movies does a wonderful job playing the dimwitted friend.

Some of the problems include that fact that no matter how much comedy you lace in, this is dark-dark. That and I now have the song "Bad Company" by Bad Company off of their album Bad Company stuck in my head. Till the day I die.

Overall I give it 2 1/2 Yoricks.

Red - Ah, the Scottish play. That is what we theatre folk call it, but that's actually because it's been phenomenally popular since the very beginning. If it was said that your company was doing this play, it was quite possible that they were doing it in a last ditch effort to make some dough and you might soon be unemployed. In case you were wondering where the superstition comes from. That's what I'm here for!

I can't say enough about Maura Tierney as Lady M. She's absolutely phenomenal. James Legros is also quite good as Mac. (Nice build, too, girls. I remember him as kind of a skinny thing from his Ally McBeal days.)

This is not a favorite play of mine. I mean Mac and Lady M get theirs in the end (sorry for the spoiler if you didn't know that), but not before smashing some big dents into your faith in humanity. Banko (in this, Banquo in Shakespeare) is one that starts to put the pieces together and would strenuously object, if he lived to tell anyone about it. The character actor who plays him does well. I would disagree with EGs characterization of him as the dim friend, in this one, he's a little too bright for his own good. Speaking of dim, the town sheriff in Scotland is endearingly so. One of my favorite lines is spoken about him by Christopher Walken in the climactic scenes; I don't want to spoil it in case you see this.

What with its portrayal of just how bad people can sometimes be, I can't really love this piece. But it's well done.

I give it a solid three Yoricks.

2010 Shakespeare Film Festival

2010-02-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

1. Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet"

EG - *gasp* Leo! That having been said, this movie is a'ight. Claire Danes glows. She fucking glows! And the gas station scene is the coolest John Leguizamo will ever be. A lot of the adaptation is inspired, but this ain't Bill's best work. I buy that two kids can be that stupid, but to sell it as the love story of all time is pushing it. I have seen Adam Sandler movies that are more romantic.

All that aside, you will never get a Shakespeare movie with a better soundtrack. Having two Radiohead songs prominently featured and the source of a great track by Garbage is more than any score could hope.

I give it 3 Yoricks (on a scale of 5.)

Red - All through my teens and most of my twenties, I couldn't get into this play. I just didn't buy it. That was probably due in large measure to my never having been in love, not the requited kind anyway. The first time I saw a production of this play that I really liked, I was in my late twenties, in my last semester of grad school, and head over heels in love with EG. It was directed, I think, by this guy I had worked with my first semester of grad school and it really captured that crazy, head-over-heels first love feeling. Baz Luhrman did, too.

I agree that the soundtrack is damn good, but I'd give Des'ree more props for the love theme than I'd give Thom Yorke for this particular project. But what made this piece for me was the casting. Clair and Leo were excellent choices, but probably my favorite bit of casting was Brian Dennehy and Paul Sorvino as Montague and Capulet. Also loved Paul Rudd as Paris and Jesse Bradford in his bit part as Balthasar. John Leguizamo was very good as Tybalt, but I find Tybalt a pretty one dimensional, unlikeable character.

I also loved the use of water throughout the piece - when R&J meet looking at each other from either side of an aquarium, when they make out in the pool during the balcony scene, and I'm pretty sure there's more stuff that I'm not remembering. I was never really interested in seeing this, but now that I have, I'm glad I did.

Also, during the party scene where Mercutio is dancing in his drag outfit and others are dancing around him and it's all shiny, I said to EG, "Is Baz Luhrman gay?" To which he replied, "No, but he is European*."

I give it 3 1/2 Yoricks.

*Oops! He is Australian. I always assumed he was Belgian or some such nonsense. Aussie seems almost normal.

2010 Shakespeare Film Festival

2010-02-08T11:00:00.003-05:00

Introduction: Red, as you all know, is an actress and a theatre buff. Of course she holds the Bard in high regard. I, as you all know, am a film buff. I am well aware that many a celluloid tale has found its way from Bill's pen to the silver screen whether in a direct or indirect manner.

It was a while back when I assumed she had seen some Shakespeare film that it came to light that she was not well versed with his oeuvre (<--her word) as interpreted in this medium. With a liitle Netflix magic, we are going to correct this. After a brief discussion, here is the lineup:

1. Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet" Red has never seen this. The soundtrack alone makes it worthwhile.

2. "Scotland, PA" Maura Tierney as Lady MacBeth set in 1970's local fast food joint. If that isn't enough, Christopher Walken as Columbo-esque police investigator, Lt. McDuff.

3. "Hamlet (2000)" Ethan Hawke is not my choice for greatest actor of our generation, but he handles it. But Bill Murray as Polonius!

4. Kenneth Branagh's "Henry V" This is probably the best modern Shakespeare film. The St. Crispin's Day speech makes me want to kill some Frenchmen. More so than usual, I mean.

5. Taming of the Shrew re-told as "10 Things I Hate About You" We have both seen this already. This is just a palette cleanser. A little fluff to balance out the heaviness.

Stay tuned for the reviews!

Penguins in DC

2010-02-07T12:09:00.008-05:00

Red and I are snowed in at the Evil Lair. It is so fucking cold outside that there are actually Penguins in DC.

Fortunately I was able to stock up on Friday. We have so much milk we are pouring it down our throats! And enough toilet paper that we are just wiping our asses with it!

So here I am stuck inside with nothing to eat but Pizza Rolls, Funyuns, root beer, Chex Mix, and buffalo strips. My only human companion is a hot redhead. As far as entertainment goes, the only thing on TV is a clutch hockey game and the biggest football game of the year.

I probably won't even be able to make it to work tomorrow. Explain to me again what is so bad about snow?

P.O.E.T.S. Friday

2010-02-05T10:28:00.004-05:00

Poe was not a good looking dude, no matter how you slice it.

He Is Both Evil and a Genius

2010-01-31T21:14:00.009-05:00

So a while ago, EG and I were exchanging Christmas gifts. I had an envelope with a gift (theatre gift certificates - he did good) as well as a box with various smaller gifts. So the box was my "stocking." Before we started opening our gifts, he told me that one of mine hadn't arrived yet. He didn't say it with any particular evil glint in his eye. He told me I'd know when I opened the rest of my presents. When I got to the bottom of my stocking, there was a copy of Weezer's Raditude CD.

Me: You didn't.
Him: Oh, yes I did.

He got me a Snuggie. As I mentioned in this post, Snuggies confuse and scare me. Why does my blanket need sleeves? I like it just fine the way it is! But like it or not, I now have one of my very own. See?

It's fairly warm, I'll give it that. But the sleeves don't really make sense to me when there's no kind of collar or anything; it just kind of flops below your shoulders. I'm wearing it as I type this and that's what it's doing. (I'm wearing it in addition to two sweaters and a sweatshirt - it's COLD this weekend.)

An article in Glamour I chanced to read on MSN proclaims, "The Snuggie is adored by all." They had one of their writers walk around New York City (where you can get away with wearing anything because it's New York and there's always someone weirder than you) wearing a Snuggie as outerwear. Which I really don't get because it only covers your front. I mean, you could kinda wrap it around the back of you, but there's no belt or buttons or zipper or anything so you'd be walking around with the back of your "coat" open, and that could be a real bitch depending on which way the wind is blowing relative to where you're going. But if you're interested, the article is here.

Even more than the theatre gift certificates, my big Christmas gift from EG was a GPS, which is truly fantastic. Now that I have it, I'm not sure how I got along without it. Wait, I remember - not very well. On at least two occasions I got into minor car accidents when I was confused about where I was going. EG actually gave me that a few weeks early when I got terribly lost on the way to the clinic (which I'd only been to twice before) to get my meds. It was snowing and I was frustrated and scared and never did find the clinic, despite driving around for almost two hours. (I had to miss work to get my meds the following Monday, but by then I had the GPS.) My favorite thing about having a GPS is that if you miss your turn, it's no big deal! Giles (which is what I've named my GPS voice, he's British) just says, "Recalculating..." and then gets me back on track. I never want to find a new place without this again (although I had to just last week - I got lost and was 40 minutes late). Thanks, EG!

Boughten

2010-01-30T21:52:00.002-05:00

Past participle of bought. e.g."I was talking to Red about my new external hard drive and a few other things I had boughten, though she seemed rather disinterested." It's legit. Right?

Salinger Dead

2010-01-29T13:11:00.004-05:00

Renowned author and second rate recluse, J.D. Salinger reportedly died yesterday. This news has spread rapidly among the social deviants populating the blogosphere as well as through reputable news sources. The date of Salinger's birth is unknown. The cause of death is not listed. The names for which the initials J.D. stand for are unconfirmed. He is suspected of contributing written material for mass publication.

This is the last confirmed photograph of Salinger.

Other Blogs You May Enjoy

2010-01-29T09:26:00.002-05:00

I was watching the Today Show, maybe last week? And between eating my high-fiber cereal and trying not to spank it to Ann Curry (you can only use that as an excuse for being late to work so many times before it starts to sound creepy,) they had a segment I actually found interesting. There is this British dude with an American wife. He talks in his sleep and says such crazy shit that she started tape recording him. The cool part is that they started just blogging about it and it has taken off from there. They are living the dream! It didn't take much for me to find him at Sleep Talking Man.

The other is from one of my goofy picture sources, which of course I can't divulge in the interest of preventing some decent blogfodder from getting poached. But they linked to the source. This is the guy who actually wrote the seven-legged spider e-mail! I have no idea why, but his site is called 27b/6. He is an Aussie graphic designer with some brass huevos.

So go read them if you are so inclined. I laughed.

Ultrahip

2010-01-27T09:20:00.001-05:00

I have sorely neglected my B-blog. But I realized there is a post I should have done months and months ago about how much I hate Vampire weekend. Click on over to Ultrahip and scroll down past Space Chick to read my brief tirade on these dillweeds.

EG 666

2010-01-24T22:30:00.001-05:00

Say hello to Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil Genius. This post is pretty much the only place he will ever exist. I can't even pretend to be this evil. But I have made some big changes to the blog layout and have a decent number of posts waiting in the wings, so even though I haven't technically been on hiatus, this still feels like a new start.

Since I would normally up my evil quotient upon a return, I am pulling out this avatar I did after Beckeye made the brilliant suggestion upon seeing (EG)E5. He is pure evil. Just like the pot roast at the end of Time Bandits.

So what is new around here? Well, the cumbersome blogroll is gone...to its own blog. You can click on the sidebar to get there. I have done the same with the list. I have also put Red's old avatar up with a little new flair on it. And I spruced up my avatar as well. I am hoping you can't see much difference. It is a vector graphics rendering of the original which took way too long to get to match the pencil sketch I did years back (yes, yearzs) when I got sick of looking at my goofy photo. Also I've added a search bar way at the bottom, which I expect Red will be the only one to ever use.

But if you miss this Evil or any of the other Evils, you can always check EG 666 and the others out over at the gallery of Evil. That makes a total of 8 ancillary blogs I have going that feed back to this, the mothersite. If you can find them all, you get a free bumper sticker and a personal plea from me to find a better use of your free time.

Query:

2010-01-20T07:45:00.001-05:00

If the Michelin Man is made out of tires, why is he white instead of black?

That's some racist shit right there.

Totallyfakecorp

2010-01-10T21:48:00.003-05:00

I have some gently used items I plan on selling back on Amazon's marketplace. I thought it might help if I used a company name to seem a little more reputable. I came up with the idea of Totallyfakecorp and ran with it. I set up a blog to act as a web page I could link to. The problem is, I think I may have made it a little too professional. (Creating a logo was probably taking it too far.)

I decided to show that blog off as a post on this blog, because in all humility - this shit is good. So check it out: Totallyfakecorp.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: a dual perspective review

2010-01-06T23:17:00.001-05:00

Thanks to the magic of Netflix streaming video and a PC patch cable to my TV, Red and I were able to watch this celluloid train wreck the other day. I am not sure she has forgiven me for this yet. But like any ordeal a couple faces together, we are now stronger for having lived through it.

PLOT

Red: I was actually pretty impressed that they had a very logical, if highly implausible, explanation for why these two ancient beings were suddenly swimming in 21st century oceans.

EG: Here's the entire story: "How are we going to catch the Mega Shark and the Giant Octopus?" If you watched the trailer in the previous post, there isn't anything else to flesh out beyond that. There are more non-sequitur scenes than Red telling a campfire story while drinking Raspberry Stoli. They mix chemicals trying to find a solution to capturing the creatures. Because they are scientists and they are using science to solve their problems. Not to blurt out any spoilers here, but the answer seems to involve Halloween glow sticks. Also, I've seen better character development in soft core porn flicks.

ACTING

Red: I've seen some bad acting in my life. Anyone who's seen as much theatre, and been in as much of it as I AND gone to school for it like I have is bound to have encountered plenty of bad acting. I've even been in a couple of bad plays. Do enough of them and it's tough to totally avoid the bad ones. I can't say this tops all the bad acting I've seen, but it's right there with the worst of it, and that's ESPECIALLY true of Lorenzo Lamas. (The one supporting guy who plays Debbie Gibson's mentor is really quite tolerable.) I looked LL up on IMDB and thought, "Wow. How can some one this awful have been working steadily for forty years?" Okay, he's reasonably good looking, but not that good looking. Possibly he slept with the right people, or possibly it's the Keanu Reeves phenomenon where he was really right for the first role he did and then certain movie-making people got the crazy idea we should let him do other things, too.

EG: The professor 'ad the worst Irish accent ever, more like a drunk South African. I am pretty sure the crew of the Japanese sub were all Hispanic. I feel bad making any snide comments about Lorenzo Lamas because I think he may be going through rehab from a major stroke. Debbie Gibson gets an A in the B-Movie school of acting. The shining star for me was the Chris Penn-esque sub commander. But there is a reason the makeup artist was billed higher than most of the actors (I mean beyond the fact that she was obviously schtuping the producer.)

ACTION SEQUENCES

Red: I mostly looked away from these, so I don't have a solid opinion. I tend to look away from action sequences much of the time (e.g., I spent most of Sin City watching EG's shoulder), so my opinion doesn't mean a whole lot.

EG: For a movie that seems to be designed around some good old fashioned monster brawling, they skimped a little on what should be non-stop, heart-pounding action action action. They did manage to work in the shark jumping up and biting a 747 out of the sky...for absolutely no reason. The Octopus was very underused, though the scene below of the erect tentacle bitch slapping a fighter jet out of the sky was a defining moment for the film. Overall I feel it could have been much more gratuitous.

LOVE STORY

Red:This was maybe the worst part of this movie, although this movie is so all over awful that it's hard to say. If the love story had been between DG and LL (who have apparently been involved IRL according to some website or other I encountered when EG asked me, "Hey, is she Jewish?" On which the 'net says nothing but oi does she look it!) If the "love" story had been between the two of them, at least it could have had that "I-hate-your-guts-please-fuck-me" thing that works so well in movies. (EG says this movie couldn't have pulled that off, and he's probably right.) But it's between DG and this diminutive Asian actor who plays a fellow scientist. There's NO chemistry. If you were either of them on a date, you'd go home, peck on the cheek, and maybe never go out again. But we're supposed to buy that they're both shy and sweet and this is somehow a Relationship instead of just colleagues who had never-to-be-repeated sex for reasons that they both question later.

EG: No T and no A. Movies like this should be legally required to have some bimbo with fake boobs ripping her shirt off for a very flimsy excuse. Debbie and the Asian guy do jump each others bones, though I was disappointed that they decided to wait to find a broom closet and didn't just start rolling around on the floor in front of the prof and the armed thug.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Red: The name of the special effects company, which I can't remember and won't bother to look up, was good. The effects were not.

EG: The name of the company is Tiny Juggernaut. I believe they are headquartered out of the basement of one of the principal's parents. The effects make any random episode of Thunderbirds Are Go look like Juassic Park. Your typical modern video game has better animation for its cut scenes. In my mind I imagine the FX producer worked on Babylon 5 but was fired for incompetence.

CAMP FACTOR

Red: Maybe 3 on a scale of 1-5, because this movie is only camp by accident. So they didn't embrace it and it wasn't nearly as much fun as it might have been.

EG: Deborah seemed to be the only person in on the joke. Everyone else was taking this shit seriously. It would be hard for me to assess how to improve this without getting tongue in cheek. So I am saying 4 out of 5.

OVERALL RATING

Red: No stars. Not one. I'm not really pissed at EG for "making" me watch this, but I am incredulous that he felt the need to. I should have gone to the gym.

EG: I will be kind enough to give it 1.5 stars. Even if I weren't watching this with a sense of irony, I would still think they at least assembled a schlocky story and executed it. That's more than you can say for Face-Off.

Decided lack of intel on the cheese-tastic film front

2009-12-29T23:10:00.008-05:00

You have failed me. You have all failed me miserably. This movie has existed for six months and no one has told me. Why do I even have minions?

Based on the trailer alone the cataclysmic camp factor of this wonderful chunk of cinematic chocolisciousness is destined for disastrous greatness. It is Showgirls and Snakes on a Plane
meet Attack of the 50 ft Woman slathered in Easy Cheese. It is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 wet dream starring Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson.

I only wish I were making this up. I give you
MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS!
(No seriously.)

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-19T21:23:00.007-05:00

I love this time of year. And I love listening to Christmas music. (Though I strenuously object to hearing it prior to the day after Thanksgiving. There are rules, people!) Amazon .mp3 is currently offering my life-long favorite Christmas album for the low, low price of just $5. John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together was a TV special when I was a little kid. (I've always been a big Muppet fan; not sure if that's ever come up in this space before.) No DVD of the special is available, as far as I can tell, and I confess I don't remember it. But I originally had this on LP, then cassette, then CD and it's on my iPod. So I don't need the .mp3. If any of you don't have it, it's well worth the fiver. It has a nice blend of classics, from "Deck the Halls" and "Silent Night," complete with a version in German and an explanation of its genesis, at least one newer tune ("Little Saint Nick," done as only Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem can) and a couple of Christmas songs that don't exist anywhere else but are quite nice. Really, the first track is "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as performed by this gang. Miss Piggy on the "Five Gold Rings" verse is only trumped by Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker doing "Nine Ladies Dancing."

The Amazon MP3 thing is a good deal. Every month they have an offering of 50 albums for $5 and EG and I have picked up some good stuff. This month, perhaps in honor of the holidays, they're offering 100 albums for $5. So even if, for reasons passing understanding, the Muppets aren't quite your cup of tea, it's quite possible something else on the list is. Merry, Merry Christmas, gang! I hope it's wonderful for all of you and yours.

Why am I still blogging?

2009-11-19T18:50:00.004-05:00

I was going to do a post about the death of Ken Ober, host of MTV's Remote Control when I realized that Beckeye almost certainly already had something up. The amount of postworthy ideas in my brain have dwindled. We have all been sucking the collective well dry.

I can also blame social networking for leeching away an audience and the demise of blogging luminaries, but the truth is bloggers burn out without help from other internet time sucks and no one was reading me anyway (just a bunch of hits from dudes trying to score pics of Mariska Hargitay in some state of undress.) And I ain't here to be the next Perez Hilton or Markos Moulitsas (close and personal friend to Grant Miller) anyway. I am just here to vent and let some of the crazy out.

Speaking of the crazy, this picture was on page 2 of my Google image search for "Why am I still blogging?" I like to use Google image searches to answer a lot of questions in my life. The answer to "What should I have for dinner?" is easily solved as BBQ ribs and tater tots. Thanks, Google image search!

You should try it.

"My God, it's full of stars."

2009-11-13T17:29:00.007-05:00

Despite whatever they tried the other week that didn't work, NASA has now found water on the moon.

Since I have been lying on my couch sick watching movies for most of the week, I am now more concerned with finding monoliths on the Moon. I am not sure if 27 gallons is actually a significant amount, but a Tycho Magnetic Anomaly would be significant. I am sure Moon Water could be bottled and marketed for a fortune if there weren't enough to split into hydrogen and oxygen rocket fuel components. But how much cooler would an ominous black crystalline harbinger of cosmic events be? If only we still had the Cold War or some homicidal AI to add dramatic tension. But no, just ice.

Thus spake Zoroaster.

Ill at Home

2009-11-10T15:23:00.003-05:00

Day 6 of allergy-induced sinus infection. Finished a Z Pack at noon and still feel weak and sore. Made it through work yesterday for big meeting. Sweated through half-day today. Waiting for Red to get home and feed me comfort food.

My tags make no sense.

My doctor says blog comments will aid in my recovery. (BTW I need a new doctor.) Much sleep on couch now.

The Horror, The Horror

2009-11-04T21:52:00.003-05:00

Okay, if any of you actually own these, I still like you and you can even explain to me what's so great about them, but I'm kinda horrified by the very existence of the Snuggie. I like blankets a lot, but do I really need a blanket I can wear? A blanket with sleeves? This, to me, just says "cold weather mumu." And while the "family" who models the Snuggie on the infomercial is trim, I imagine that they are primarily ordered by obese Americans. For whom owning a Snuggie, I feel like, just encourages giving up. Take a walk, guys! Play tag with your kids. Spend some time in the garden working up a sweat - don't snuggle down under your Snuggie in front of the TV with your favorite snacks. Perhaps that's unfair of me, but I have a hard time understanding why anyone needs one of these in the first place.

So I was amazed and somewhat dismayed to hear on Morning Edition yesterday that Weezer, a band I like, is selling their new CD, Raditude, in combination with the Snuggie! I mean, you can also get it on Amazon mp3, or as a stand alone CD in regular or deluxe editions, but they have special packages for CD+Snuggie. These are special Snuggies that have the Weezer logo on them. Which is surreal. They have a blue Snuggie for sale with the regular edition; the one that comes with the deluxe edition is zebra print.

Click here to experience the bizarreness for yourself.

Bumper Stickers 2

2009-10-16T19:17:00.004-04:00

OK, so I thought of a few more. And since I have not been brimming with creativity lately, this is what is passing as a blog post around here these days. Enjoy:

No, I am not telling you what it means. But this one goes over like gangbusters with the guys down at the marina (at least it would if there actually were any guys, or a marina for that matter.)

Which is only funny when you see it as intended to be used (below.)

And of course I had to do an adaptation of my best-selling tee shirt and personal favorite.

Life Imitates Art

2009-10-10T18:59:00.011-04:00

TOBY
They know it was on course traveling at a rate of 15,400 miles
per hour, which it was supposed to. Somewhere during its
descent it was also supposed to release two probes -- each
about the size of a basketball -- firing them deep into the
ground as part of the mission's search for evidence of water
under surface.

JOSH
We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it
to the center of the planet and find water?

TOBY
Yeah.

JOSH
That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?

-The West Wing, "Galileo", 2.8

I'm not that into space (as evidenced by the fact that in my Manhattan days, I once shared -- shared -- a 300 sq ft apartment). EG is the rock and roll astronaut around here. But I have gotten into the habit of listening to NPR's "Morning Edition" on my way to work, and so became aware of this story.

That's pretty much all there is to say about that, but while looking up the dialogue at the top, I stumbled onto a West Wing site that I'd never seen before. First of all, they not only have transcripts of most episodes (complete seasons for the first four years, after which it doesn't matter that much) but they have a search function where you can type in a word or words and it will tell you what episode it's from and then you could click the link and go to the episode and find the specific quote. It took me less than five minutes to find the beginning of this post.

I am, to a large extent, what used to be known (and probably still is in certain circles) as a "Wing nut." I've seen every episode of the seasons Aaron Sorkin wrote at least a half dozen times. I didn't get a converter or whatever for digital TV and haven't had cable in years, so I've actually been watching them again when I don't have anything from Netflix. EG is going to lend me Twin Peaks to mitigate the insanity.

But finding this site shows the Internet at its most reassuring. 'Cause you may think you're obsessed with something and realize that maybe it's a little weird, but here on the glorious interweb, there's always someone weirder than you.

That makes me smile. I feel better now. How about you guys?

Extra-solar Planet: Mustafar

2009-10-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

In my continuing coverage of newly discovered extra-solar planets which at least I find interesting, another major coup has come with Corot 7b. This discovery came a few weeks back, but it is not like there are any other bloggers out there scooping me on this. And it isn't as if I am denying my loyal half-dozen readers of snappy comments for water cooler conversations on astrophysics.

Cosmologically speaking the cool thing is that this is the first rocky extra-solar planet found. All previous planets found have been gas giants, but this sucker actually has a surface. Since the whole cockamamie idea is to find another Earth-like planet, this is exciting. However, due to the proximity to its star scientists have deduced that the surface is covered with molten lava. This is further backed by radio telescopes picking up signals of an incredibly schlocky, melodramatic, "NooOOOoooOOOooo!"

Artist's rendition of the so called lava planet below.

WTC on 295

2009-10-02T18:52:00.012-04:00

The DC Beltway in my estimation is the second worst highway in America, with top honors going to the LIE (Long Island Expressway.) There is usually heavy traffic on 295 in both directions at any random time of day or night, often crawling at a nerve wracking stop and go pace. There are choke pints at a few key areas that always screw things up (the 270 merge, the Wilson bridge, and the mixing bowl.) It just sucks.

I was running late to work on Tuesday after what was supposed to be an early morning doctor's appointment that ended up holding me past 11:00. There should have been lunch traffic circling, but the lanes were surprisingly clear.

The only thing impeding my progress was a slow moving flat-bed truck with some scrap metal on it, but I was able to get around it easily enough. I was dismayed when I saw flashing lights up ahead. But there were a few more flatbeds before I could see that the lights were on a black SUV, which is a common sight in DC. You usually see a caravan of black cars zooming through lights and screwing up the already abysmal traffic patterns. I will curse whatever overpaid government worker with an inflated ego is at the center of the don't-shoot-me parade. This time it was nothing like that.

As I passed the procession of trucks laden with contorted metal, I noticed that each one had progressively larger American flags displayed on them or attached to the tie-down chains. This quickly reminded me of an e-mail one of my co-workers forwarded to me the other day about the newly commissioned USS New York.

When I realized what I was driving next to I slowed. It took another few seconds before I found myself saying a silent prayer for friends and family, for those still overseas, and for those still seen as enemies. And it took yet a few more seconds for me to realize I have a camera phone and this may be something I wished I had a picture of later.

So here are two of the clearer shots I was able to get of the day the World Trade Center drove past me in Washington, DC. Complete with an escort of Maryland State Troopers, Secret Service vans and a chase truck with a camera crew. I am not sure where they had been or where they were going, but I have no doubt of what those twisted I-beams used to be and what they still represented. For several hours I was able to remember what I felt like in September eight years and two weeks earlier. To say it was sobering falls short, but those are the only words that come to me.

The first person I called was my oldest brother with whom I have a strained relationship. But not only did he lose a close friend that day, but is reliving another tough experience from that year now. I needed to talk to him. And then I called Red at her office who had been in NYC between gigs and catching Urine Town off Broadway back then. I didn't know her in 2001, but I can't imagine what my life would be like now if she had been a few miles south that day.

I wanted to call everyone I know and check on them, if you can remember that feeling. But by the time I made those two calls I had hit my exit and was closing in on the parking lot at work. I was still shaken up and entered the office with an expression like I had just seen a ghost. I didn't think of it like that at the time, but I guess I had just seen about 2,600 ghosts.

If I were going to make bumper stickers...

2009-09-17T01:13:00.005-04:00

Netflix search: Ballroom

2009-09-09T23:05:00.006-04:00

Background: I bought Red an Arthur Murray gift certificate for her birthday because I am the best boyfriend ever. I have been enjoying the lessons too, for the most part. And not for nothing, but I am moving like Fred Afuckingstaire now.

Because of this we are ready to "graduate" to the next level, which of course requires buying more lessons. So while the studio manager was giving us her pitch, she mentioned a documentary about city kids in ballroom competitions. She couldn't remember the title, but it sounded interesting, so I searched for "ballroom" on Netflix. Of course Strictly Ballroom was the first movie, followed by some instructional videos. I had to capture a screen shot when I scrolled to the bottom of the list. Since it did not come close to the movie I was looking for, I did another search for that documentary about old people singing rock songs, and sure enough it was the first or second recommendation based on that movie.

But now that we have covered the exposition, her it is.
The money shot:

Why I found this incredibly amusing and post-worthy:

How could you ever consider break dancing a form of ballroom?

Even if you did, wouldn't it be like Vol. 87?

Speaking of which, how does Bollywood dancing come up as Vol. 6? Seriously, maybe like Vol. 28. But not even really.

Then there is the big question: When you look at the suggested movies that come up from the break dancing video. LOOK AT THEM. Click on the image to see it larger. How in the hell is there any connection there? Now someone please explain that to me. Do you think someone rented all three of these? How to break dance, how to order wine, and how to make sweet sweet love? Speaking of which, there should be some sort of algorithm that prevents an image of John Cleese being shown next to naked people. I need answers on this. I am losing sleep.

Argyle Chick of the Month

2009-09-07T17:55:00.000-04:00

Now That You've All Forgotten I Ever Went to Vermont

2009-09-04T18:03:00.003-04:00

First, I was waiting for my friend J. and her roommate to send me these pictures. They did ages ago, but I've been busy. So at last, here are the photos showing my time in the Green Mountain state. Just FYI, the TSA at the Burlington airport is the strictest I've ever seen. Pretty impressive, really.

J. and I went strawberry picking. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess that she picked a larger share than I did of the berries I'm holding. (The farmer gave me grief about it.) They were delicious. I'm quite the strawberry fan.

Pictured here are (L-R) me, J., and her roommate. This was taken at a picnic their program had at Robert Frost's house. Apparently, they now host writers in this house. One will be given it for a while (a year, maybe?) to have peace and quiet and space to write, rent-free. Sounds good to me. It's a lovely locale.

Any trip to Vermont, particularly for someone as into ice cream as I am, must include a trip to the Ben & Jerry's factory. We went, and I'm glad we did, but the one picture I have from there is of the flavor graveyard, and Blogger refuses to upload another pic to this post. Vermont is as green and mountainous as I'd heard, which makes it nice in July. It's peaceful and relaxing. I stayed at a lovely little B&B and generally had a lot of fun on one of the first grown up type vacations I've taken, certainly that I've taken by myself. I don't relish the thought of going there in winter, and I hear tell that the spring thaw brings on what the locals charmingly refer to as "mud season." But I've now been to 47 states (or 45 if we don't count the ones where I've never gotten out of the car), and Vermont is lovely. If relaxation is on your agenda, it gets my vote over beaches any day.

P. S. EG has a thing about Vespas. I took this picture for him.

The Radical Middle

2009-09-02T22:46:00.006-04:00

I was arguing with Red tonight about universal health care. Not because I am opposed to it, but because I am opposed to her stance that she is absolutely right. I am actually in favor of the idea. What I am opposed to is how anyone can completely invalidate someone else's viewpoint.

I don't care how wrong they are, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. (As my old man always says, "Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, but no one wants to hear about yours.") I don't see how public health care will turn America into a Socialist state any more than public education has. But I would never say that anyone who does feel that way is completely wrong or unintelligent. Though quite frankly, I don't see how even Socialism is un-American.

I love that you can be a Socialist in America. I love that you can be a National Socialist in America. Not that I love Neo-Nazis. (I hate Illinois Nazis!) But I love the fact that you can be one. And if you argue that an ideology based on genocide is fundamentally wrong, not many people will deny that you are right. Yet no matter how right you are, you cannot insist that no one should think differently.

Lack of affordable health care options may or may not cause the fall of the American Empire, but there is a good chance that the divisive nature of partisan politics will. I don't care which side of the issue you line up on, but don't drink the Kool-Aid (even if it is a pretty shade of blue.) Stop pointing fingers. Join the Radical Middle!

WASP 18b

2009-08-27T21:36:00.008-04:00

Last week I told you about WASP 17 and how it didn't quite meet the standards of the other WASPs. So now they have found WASP 18b, and apparently the pressure for it to live up to high expectations is too much for it. WASP 18b is suicidal.

It is seemingly on a slow course to spiral into its star, and is already close enough to cause plasma tides on the star from its gravitational pull. Though scientists are not able to view WASP 18b directly (and conceptual artists are apparently too lazy to create a new rendering) there are other clues as to why they feel this is a suicidal planet. Here is a list of other data they have collected to back up their calculations:

WASP 18b has been reading more Sylvia Plath than any well adjusted planet should
The planet no longer hangs out with other planets in its system
Doesn't see the whole point in regular elliptical orbits any more
Been drinking a lot lately. A lot.
Quotes Smiths' lyrics far more often than could ever be applicable
Did I mention the drinking? No really. Way too much. We're all concerned.
Keeps asking if you would want any of its moons "if anything ever happened"
Reckless behavior, like orbiting too close to its Roche limit
Seriously, drinking way too much. And usually alone
Lost interest in personal hygiene, if you know what I mean
Has a complete file of MSDS's for all household chemicals
Started blogging

Astronomers are keeping a close watch on WASP 18b and hoping for the best. But you know how gas giants get at that age.

A Series of Hypothetical Questions

2009-08-25T23:02:00.016-04:00

These questions are intended to be completely random and are in no way meant to imply any similarity to any fictitious characters or actual person(s) living or dead. Rather, this is simply offered as a thought-provoking exercise aimed at stimulating potential dialogue. With that in mind, I pose the following questions:

What if there were a girl with eyes that sparkled like jeweled mischief?

What if her embrace were a trap? A giant Chinese finger puzzle made of warm silk and laced with opium so enticing that it becomes the only thing that you desire.

What if the curves of her body made your eyes race? A seductive highway that never ceased to thrill. Tracing the divinely engineered image of those twists and turns would make your heart rev and your stomach soar. The beauty of its danger would melt your brain and lay down a challenge to your mettle. Do you really think you’re man enough to drive that?

What if her smile were like dynamite? Explosive and powerful enough to crack the cold granite of your soul and leave a Crazy Horse pointing toward wild bliss.

What if her heart danced with infectious pleasure for each small joy in life?

What if she told stories that went on forever?

What if she sang all day?

What if she tripped and fell down with great frequency and awkward grace?

What if she told you the same story that went on forever again?

What if you shook your head and rolled your eyes so much that you developed repetitive stress disorder?

What if she cooked pasta sauce that drew a long line into one of the happier parts of your memory and left your taste buds singing Dean Martin songs?

And what if she were also a killer at Trivial Pursuit?

And because of this every time she was around your stoic mask would yield to a boyish or possibly devilish grin.

What if she had a soul that wanted to lift you up to heaven on high? To save you forever in perfect love. To protect you from falling into the folly of your own sins. And held your hand along a secret path to God that only angels and martyred virgin saints are supposed to know about.

What if she knew that your favorite thing to do in New york City is to shop for records in the Village? Even though you yourself had lost that data in a file sent to deep storage, and when pressed could not answer until she reminded.

What if there really were such a girl? And what if she loved you?

Hypothetically.

WILATU #29 - The Smiths

2009-08-20T22:00:00.003-04:00

The Top 10 Smiths Songs

10. Girlfriend in a Coma
9. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
8. Never Had No One Ever
7. Sweet and Tender Hooligan
6. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
5. How Soon Is Now?
4. Ask
3. Shoplifters of the World Unite
2. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
1. Bigmouth Strikes Again

The Smiths are dead. Long live the Smiths.

Sketchy

2009-08-18T20:31:00.003-04:00

WASP 17

2009-08-18T07:01:00.001-04:00

British scientists have recently discovered a new extra-solar planet known as WASP 17. Most extra-solar planets that have been found to date are large, they are easier to find. WASP 17 is no exception. At twice the size of Jupiter it is now the largest planet known. But at half the mass of Jupiter, it is a cosmic fluff ball. But what really has astronomers knickers all in a twist is that it is the first planet ever discovered with a retrograde orbit. In other words, it rotates backwards. Needless to say WASPs 1 through 16 have not been very receptive to this newcomer.

WASP 17 has been omitted from astronomical registries and is routinely excluded from planetary alignments, though always cited as being for logistical reasons. Despite being smaller, some nearby planets attempt to eclipse WASP 17 to obscure it from being clearly viewed; theoretically to keep up the appearance of a "normal" solar system. Though it is not known whether WASP 17 has any moons, it is generally assumed that it has a ton of them. You know how those retrograde planets are with moons! They are usually dragging 20 or 30 around with them all the time. It is like they have no gravitational self-control.

A lot of speculation has already begun about a WASP 18. There is great hope being pinned on it to bring some respectability back to the WASP program. Above is an artist's rendering of WASP 17. Other WASP images shown below:

The Critics Are Wrong on This One

2009-08-16T18:31:00.000-04:00

EG was in the middle of reading this book when we met. He lent it to me when he was done. We both dug it. While the characters aren't just like us, there are similarities. The girl is a redhead. The guy is incredibly cool. He doesn't understand how she can like the Eagles. (The band, not the football team.) They're into the Violent Femmes. They live in Chicago, EG's old stomping ground and where he took me on vacation the first summer we were together. (At which time I commented, "Don't think I don't know why you're bringing me here in August!") He's a bit older than she is and has led a bit less sheltered an existence.

I reread the book shortly after we got back together and was totally psyched to hear about the movie. I had high hopes based on the casting and was very disappointed on Friday to read bad reviews in both the New York Times and the LA Times. But we were in a packed theatre Saturday night anyway, admittedly with rather lower expectations than before the reviews came out.

I really like the way the movie is structured. The reviews make it sound like it jumps around in time a lot, but the chronology is actually quite straightforward. (Which makes it a bit different from the book, actually.) The film has also been pared down a bit from the novel. Almost everything that doesn't relate to the love story was left out, with the result that the length and pacing feel just right.

Also - I cried. This may not seem like a big deal, because girls do and we've mentioned me crying at a movie once before in this space, but there was a time, not long ago, when this was quite a rare occurrence and I'm still not one of those women who cries at everything. It was sweet, it was touching, it featured lots of naked Eric Bana...what's not to like? And the cinematography is beautiful. That's one things the critics got right. The book is better, so if you're a reader and you happen not to have caught this one, it's worth picking up. But it's a good movie and a damn good date movie, if your date means anything to you anyway. Critics be damned. Red gives it two thumbs up.

Big Hoop Earring Experiment

2009-08-13T08:06:00.003-04:00

#4 Rihanna (control group)

Voice of an angel.

Voice of reason?

WILATU posts preferred by Taiwanese spammers

2009-08-09T10:24:00.009-04:00

I could easily do a retrospective of some of my favorite posts to showcase my mad blogging skills, which I have in fact done before. Doing so again would be too blatantly egomaniacal, so why not let a random Taiwanese spam commenter do it for me? This purveyor of betel nut beauties with a screen name that translates into "Little Cat" has selected the following posts from the past to leave irrelevant interjections laden with links to adult content. Enjoy:

John Hughes 1950 - 2009

Happy Birthday, Red!

[untitled post]

Evil Genius checks his mail.

Best Novel/Movie/Soundtrack Combo

Leather elbows on a tweed coat (is that the best you can do?)

Xie Xie Ni, Little Cat. Xie Xie.

John Hughes 1950-2009

2009-08-07T08:03:00.005-04:00

I just found out that John Hughes died last night.

I haven't felt this way since I heard the Smiths broke up.

I am going to go home, watch Planes, Trains & Automobiles, and cry myself to sleep.

WILATU #2 - CD's

2009-07-30T20:22:00.003-04:00

This post was initially going to be about the first CD I ever bought. It still will be, don't worry. It occurred to me as I was thinking of a title that this actually counts as a list item. As Red pointed out to me, we haven't had one of those in a while.

When Compact Discs were first introduced in 1982 they were a thing of mystery and wonder. The silver shining plastic circle touted as being indestructible and was read with a laser beam. This was technologically mind blowing. People believed that if you traced the rim with a green marker it would improve the sound quality. That is the level of voodoo these things operated on. And they were enshrined in the excessive cardboard packaging known as "the long box" because this was a luxury item and required sacrifices of dead trees to convey the level of status one was granted for making such an extravagant purchase.

The first such indulgent purchase I made was Sire Record's 1987 promotional sampler "Just Say Yes". I remember flipping through the Audio Log (a giant phone book of recordings that served as a pre-digital reference of all the music you didn't yet own located somewhere near the counter at the "record store" which was an establishment that sold physical formats of music such as LP's, cassettes, and these new-fangled CD's) and seeing The Smiths listed on an album I had not as yet purchase. This album also had songs by The Ocean Blue and Echo & the Bunnymen. It became clear to me almost instantly that I must own this album.

The fact that it was only available on CD and I did not own a CD player seemed like a minor obstacle. So I cut my brother off from mooching off my summer lifeguard money to fund his heterosexuality habit (i.e. I paid for 25 to 30% of the dates he and his high school girlfriend went on being that such habits are costly endeavors,) and saved up enough money to procure my copy. I was then able to track down a poor sap who not only had access to one of the costly players, but one that was conveniently hooked up to a tape deck. He brought me a dubbed copy of my own album in order to try to gain my favor in attempt to join my fictitious rock band (see question 5 of this post.) I was able to finally listen to the contents instead of just staring at the rainbow prisms that bounced of the mirrored playing surface and wondering.

That previously unknown Smiths' track was and still is arguably the worst song they ever recorded. Not even worthy of a B Side. But the rest of the album kicked ass. And that Christmas my parent's bought me a portable disc player. I think it was a Magnavox. It was a little smaller than my Nintendo Wii is now and took about 12 AA batteries to power. It was portable in the sense that there was a strap you could use to wear it around your neck like Dr. Theopolis. And I played that thing dead. I used to have to stand it on it's side to get it to work at the end.

My stack of CD's grew quickly and mightily. There is some unwritten rule that you have to buy CD's in twos. I consume CD's. I suck the souls out of them and then delicately place them back pointing 12 o'clock in their jewel case in their proper slot in the collection organized by genre, importance of the artist within that genre, and then release date. My name is Evil Genius, and I am a discaholic. I would be there for "double punch Tuesdays" to get the new releases and earn points toward new tapes and CD's. I joined various cult-like organizations to expand the collection and feed my habit. I have spent countless hours ripping and burning illegal copies and soul-bearing mixes. I have riffled through the wastelands of used record stores looking for my illusive prizes. I have even sold a few back before I realized the folly of that practice.

Sure, I have finally broken down and bought a Walkman MP3 player. I like it. It is useful. But it will not replace my precious discs. There are some albums I only "own" as MP3 files. I have burned them onto CD's. Just in case, you know.

And I most certainly do still have that first one. Do you remember your first?

Sometimes I Am a Dummy. Fortunately, I Have a Great Boyfriend.

2009-07-28T23:39:00.005-04:00

I saw Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center tonight. (I really liked it, despite some minor artistic quibbles, but that's not what this post is about.) DC, as any of you who have experienced it can attest, isn't that easy to navigate and the area around the Kennedy Center is like the rest of DC, only more so. So I got twisted around on my way there, at one point ending up on I-66 going toward Virginia, but eventually figuring out where I was going. Coming off the highway I spied a parking space near the Watergate and nabbed it.

I considered parking in the Kennedy Center garage, but that costs $15. I realized I only had ten and no real way to hit an ATM. Did they take credit cards? Who knows? So I nabbed this parking space. Lucky thing, too, because between my car and the Kennedy Center I didn't see another one. I'm a reasonably punctual gal in general, but I am almost always early for the theatre. First of all, my ticket was at Will Call. What if there was a line? Secondly, I didn't want to miss anything and third, I hate it when other people are late for the theatre and they have to climb over me. I will not be one of those people.

So the show starts at 7:30 (on time - go Kennedy Center) and wraps up about 9:45. I attempt to get back to my car but take a wrong turn somewhere. To make matters worse, I don't have an intersection. I know where it is in relation to the Watergate, but after wandering around for 20 minutes I'm really lost. To make matters worse, today was the hottest day we've had all summer, and when it's hot, I don't walk very well. (Another reason I meant to park in the garage; I literally can't run to save my life and it's a good neighborhood but you never know.) So I inquire from a group of folks if they're students at GW because I remembered a building with that on it. A thin, 3oish black man named Malcolm tells me that he's a student at Georgetown but he's on his way to a metro stationh that's right by the hospital, which is the building he thinks I'm looking for because it's made of glass. But when we get there, I'm no better oriented than I was and I've really walked abut as far as I can. Malcolm lets me use his phone (did I mention that I forgot mine today?) and I call the Evil Genius, who is really the best guy I've ever known. I tell him where I am and explain the situation, and he comes to get me. (I later found out he was already asleep when I called a little before 10:30; he had a really late night on Monday.)

GW Hospital isn't that close to Bethesda, so I probably waited about half an hour, maybe a little more. EG rolls up in the Jeep and is very patient while we drive around for probably fifteen or twenty minutes trying to figure this out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see my car.

When I thanked him profusely and kissed him goodbye, that was when he mentioned that he had actually been asleep when I called. EG, I'm sorry for getting you out of bed and I really, really, really appreciate you being there when I needed you. Just like always.

Anyone else yearning to see an egomaniacal man with a lisp in a hood arguing with a militant anarchist with a metal head?

2009-07-26T23:02:00.010-04:00

Red and I saw Harry Potter tonight (Sunday.) I am slightly disappointed that they haven't recast Ginny with some piece of ass. Especially since Emma Watson has now caused more than a few wizards to go off into woods to "tame their dragon." The Scarlet Pirate can write a review of The Half-Blood Prince if she would like, I am only reviewing the trailers. Well, one really.

G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra has been hyping up since the Superbowl. And they keep showing that damn scene with the robotic exoskeleton armor where the dude (Roadblock?) asks, "What does it accelerate?" And the scientist guy says "It accelerates you." Which is then followed by scenes guys running and jumping around in these suits like supermen. And based on the other dialogue, it is only their physical skills that are accelerated, not their mental or conversational skills.

But it is not the "that blew'd up real good!" nature of the film that bothers me. It is a movie based on a cartoon based on action figures based on dolls. I am not expecting My Dinner with Andre. What bothers me is the depth and humanity with which they are attempting to imbue The G.I. Joe characters. They are one-dimensional good guys. They don't have closet drinking problems or daddy issues. Sure Flint may have a chip on his shoulder because Duke is in command despite his clearly inferior awesomeness and coolocity, but that can only be mined for so much material.

The real story is, and always has been the bad guys. You don't want the Joes to win so much as you want Cobra to lose. More specifically, you want Cobra Commander to lose. The guy is walking hubris. It is so satisfying every time his plans fail. And each time Destro's frustration grows. Or maybe Major Bludd will realize how crazy the plan is and try to change it, but that will fail too! This is the essence of the G.I. Joe story, of which these trailers indicate no trace.

In fact, you can only have so much respect for a group of Real American Heroes that serve the sole purpose of thwarting the plots of a terrorist organization that has not succeeded in so much as robbing an ATM. What is the point in focusing the story on them? Who cares what stupid accelerator suits they have? All they really have to do is show up and wait for Cobra to fall over themselves. No acceleration necessary. This movie should be the campiest piece of shit since Showgirls, but someone had to go and ruin it by trying to make the heroes interesting.

Yep. Let's follow the formula: dress everyone in black, add lots and lots of 'splosions, create annoying catch phrases by repeating shit over and over, and have plenty of merchandising opportunities built in.

Whatever dillweed they have playing Cobra Commander isn't wearing any type of helmet, cowl or hood! Hes is just some wimpy, skinny, British guy. That is like saying "Ah, we can do Superman without a cape." This is not fanboy whining that they haven't stayed true to my childhood memories, this is just complaining about bad story-telling guised as nostalgia.

Go fuck yourself Hollywood. Grab an oversized monster schlong of a dildo and some anal lube and go fuck yourself.

How evil can one genius be? (The Evil Genius(es) Post)

2009-07-23T20:56:00.012-04:00

OK, so I am more evil again. You can always check and see how evil I am here. That blog is where I have all avatars, profiles, and links to the non-blogs that support them. But it doesn't explain the subtle differences, or the fact that all of my epithets are taken from the Rock an Roll Astronaut Manifesto. From time to time I will log on as a different level of EG. Here is a quick and simple guide to know why that may be:

Evil Genius (The Rock an Roll Astronaut)

My original blog persona, which is about as close to the actual Chris Urban* as you are going to get. (Possibly as close as I am going to get too, but that's an issue I have to deal with.) This is for general purpose postings and comments.

Evil, Evil Genius (The Prince of Hopeless Poets and the Devil in Disguise)

This was my first, and still my best, re-invention. If you see him around the needle on the sarcasm meter is about to break off. He generally shows up to leave comments that I would normally feel would be too snide or bawdy.

3vil gEnius (The Demon of Cosmic Apathy)

This guy is nuts. I am talking bat-shit crazy. There will almost assuredly be incoherent rambling involved. It is a good idea to e-mail Red and have her check on me at this point.

Evil Genius 4,000 (The Electric Porn Star)

EG4k is distant, ethereal, and too serious for his own good.

Evil Genius x 10⁵ (The Emperor of Antarctica)

As the name would suggest, this is taking it to a new level. A higher consciousness, or just a little meta. Since this is the new guy, I am still testing him out. Seeing what he can handle.

Don't hold your breath for a #6.

*That is my real name. Don't tell anyone, OK? It's a secret between me, you, and the internet.

The Greatest Rock Song Ever Written ...

2009-07-21T23:08:00.005-04:00

...on the subject of buying condoms:

"Welcome to the House of Fun" by Madness

Feel free to refute my claim with another contender.

Big Hoop Earring Experiment

2009-07-20T08:53:00.001-04:00

#3 Martina Navratilova

U.S. Open

Grand Slam?

I think maybe I will try this again for a while...

2009-07-18T21:19:00.007-04:00

So I have had some rest. I am on some new medicine. I am feeling pretty good. Time to start sharing my thoughts again. What with Twitter and Facebook being so prevalent, the number of people actually reading this is back down to about where I started. So I feel more comfortable blogging again. Like I am blogging to blog rather than trying to maintain my connections within the blogosphere.

Last time I went on hiatus I created an interesting piece of art, which become the first painting I have ever sold. I have been working on a major project which may eventually be displayed here in some form, but for now I will just share with you this cool drawing I did using Flash software.

I wanted to do a pin-up girl for the side of my Jeep like those on the nose of WWII bombers. The girl unintentionally, though unsurprisingly, turned into Red. To understand the whole concept you need to know about Eugene the Jeep. (That is your cue to click on the link and take two minutes to read the Wikipedia entry on him.)

You can expect more zany hijinks from me here soon enough. Stay tuned!

So I Still Haven't Done the Vermont Post

2009-07-14T22:47:00.002-04:00

The trip was fun. I have a few pictures from my friend Jules, who I went to visit, but I waited on writing the post b/c her roommate was supposed to send me other pics. She hasn't yet. But Jules sent me this because she thought it was funny. I'm posting it 'cause I think so, too.

Off to Vermont!

2009-07-03T09:12:00.003-04:00

This will make the 47th state I've visited! (I've never gotten out of the car in Alabama or Mississippi, but those who have tell me I'm not missing much.) I've spent 14 months of my life touring for children's theatre companies, and my family once took a massive 8,000 mile road trip so I've covered a lot of U.S. ground. Despite having visited New Hampshire five times, I've never made it to Vermont. (Or Maine, for that matter.) So I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'll see one of my best friends (who is doing a summer program there and who is the reason I've been to New Hampshire so many times) and she's going to take me to the Ben and Jerry factory! Color me psyched. I forgot to bum the digital camera off of EG so I won't be back with photos, I'm afraid, but maybe my friend will have a camera. Anyway, happy 4th of July, everybody!

And Here's Number Three

2009-07-01T18:54:00.009-04:00

Karl Malden died today. He was 97, so unlike the other two recent celebrity deaths, this was neither unexpected nor tragic. But just in case you didn't know, Karl Malden was way cool. The above pic is from A Streetcar Named Desire, for which he won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar(TM) in 1952. The fun thing about seeing Streetcar for me was that I'd already seen him in Gypsy and Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind, so watching them together, in roles similar to those I knew them for, was kind of like Scarlet O'Hara meets Herbie. Fun, if more than a little surreal. Other Red may be the only one who knows what I'm talking about, but whatevs.

Click here to read his obit in the NYT and here to see his credits on imdb. Rest in peace, Karl Malden. You did good work.

[Note: EG pointed put that Mr. Malden was actually #5. I didn't mean to dis Ed McMahon or Pittsburgh's own Billy Mays.}

A Different Top Five Then You'll Currently Find at Rassles's Place

2009-06-26T21:42:00.004-04:00

The very cool Rassles did a post about Michael Jackson and asked readers to share their picks for Top Five Michael Jackson songs. Which is a nice way to commemorate his passing. But earlier this week, and for no particular reason, I was telling EG about my top five U2 songs. Which would be (this is pretty much in order):

1. One
2. With or Without You
3. All I Want Is You
4. Angel of Harlem
5. Mysterious Ways

After a little thought, he told me that his are:

1. Love Is Blindness*
2. With or Without You
3. New Year's Day
4. Numb
5. Party Girl

Since then, he's been asking his friends and they've come up with some fun lists. Pezda has been tagged, maybe he'll leave his in the comments. And we hope you will, too.

I'm off to the Jersey Shore to rendezvous with some childhood girlfriends. Interestingly (or maybe not, but...) these girlfriends and I did a fourth grade talent show routine to "I'll Be There." On the radio yesterday morning, I heard that Carly Simon was 64 (and we'll still need her and we'll still feed her) and George Michael was 46.** I was gonna post about that after work yesterday, then I heard about Farrah Fawcett and then we all heard about Michael. I'm a little sorry for Farrah that she was totally eclipsed by Michael, but such is life.

Anyway, top five U2 songs. Get on it, gang!

*When he said that, I wished I'd thought of it. But even though it's a better song than "Mysterious Ways," I have a sentimental attachment to it (MW). It's the first U2 song I remember from when it came out.
**The fact that those two numbers are the same digits in opposite order makes some strange little place in me happy. Like palindromes, or when the number on the clock indicates my birthdate. Yeah, that's a little weird, but whatever.

Blogging at Work (Shhh!) to Bring You Breaking News

2009-06-25T14:40:00.005-04:00

R.I.P., Farrah Fawcett.

Click here for the obituary in the New York Times.

So I'm Not the Scarlet Pirate IRL Anymore

2009-06-16T06:34:00.008-04:00

As EG mentioned in The Shoe Post, the MS was causing double vision. Apparently, it's a common symptom, but not one I've dealt with before. I haven't driven in over a month - can't believe how much gas prices have gone up in that time - but yesterday I went eye-patch free the whole day. Partly, truth be told, because I thought it was in my purse and it wasn't. By the time I was on my way home there were some people with two heads and such. This morning, as yesterday morning, I only have it in my blind spot. But that still makes me leary of driving. Soon, I hope. EG needs me as DD for a barbecue this weekend and I'm roadtripping to the Jersey shore to rendezvous with some of my very long time girlfriends the weekend after. At least that's the plan. If I can't drive one of the girls says she'll meet my bus, which is great, but I'd like to have my own wheels.

The double vision was one thing, but starting middle of last week I was also having a hell of a hard time walking, so I decided to try a course of steroids. Weird how my doctor kind of leaves it up to me, but I guess I know what's going on in my body. I've been walking with a cane that the Genius has from when he pulled a muscle in his leg. (I'm pretty sure the originial muscle pull occurred during drunken Mardi Gras escapades in N'Awlins, but the prudent girlfriend doesn't ask questions. Me darlin' man is far closer to an angel than most, anyway.) The muscle pull has recurred at times, so he has a couple of canes. I'm using the one that doesn't have beads wrapped around a lot of it. (No beads at all, in fact.) I like the handle better. Yesterday I was still walking with it but I didn't need it nearly as much as on the few days previous. I can walk a lot faster with it, though.

I like The Scarlet Pirate as a title. Rather like I've hijacked the blog and am keeping EG tied up in a trunk on his porch. Not like he's not about ten times stronger than I am, but we women are wily; it could happen. Maybe. He actually has a trunk he'd probably fit in (smart move letting me know that, Baby!), but I'd never get it cleaned out and on the porch without him noticing. Assuming I could even drag it to the porch. (Snap out of it, Red.)

The most interesting thing about going around with an eye patch was the stares I'd get from little kids. Sometimes I'd pull it up so they could see my eye was still there and still okay. "See, it looks fine," I'd tell them, "it just doesn't see right right now." "Where'd you get it?" one little girl asked me (a grownup did, too). The answer is CVS - less than four bucks if any of you were thinking you'd like to go that route come Halloween.

Though I'm lucky enough to be employed, I'm nonetheless job hunting and quite busy just now, so posting may be sporadic. Sorry. If any of you wanna guest post, just give me a shout at the email on my profile. And if any of you have tips on picking up freelance writing work, you can contact me at the same email.

Time for breakfast. Happy Tuesday, gang.

Yeah, I'm Guessing You Guys Figured Out the New Headline, Too

2009-06-10T20:50:00.004-04:00

Monday morning I logged on to WILATU (at the office, shhh!) to see if EG had posted anything I didn't know about and realized that he has once again left me in charge for a while. Also on Monday, I was going through my google alerts (for the section I write for our monthly trade magazine) and stumbled upon a new blogger. Here's her headline:

The Adventures of Bitter Betty and her Prosthetic Leg

Doodles/cartoons about life from the perspective of a young, bitter 20-something who just so happens to have a prosthetic leg. PLEASE PASS ON! It will make me hate myself just ever so slightly less, validate my self-worth, and lower my dependency on Dr Pepper and valium

I'm sure you can see why it reminded me of the Genius. Have you ever noticed what it says by the comment box? Anyway, I liked her first cartoon, you can check it out here. So stop by and welcome Betty to the 'sphere. And I'll stop by as often as I can, though I've got some stuff going on now myself. (EG's incredibly swamped right now, which I'm guessing is his biggest reason for needing a hiatus.) Welcome back to Red's place, gang.

"While Frank Sinatra sings 'Stormy Weather'..."

2009-06-01T21:23:00.012-04:00

EG and I saw CAKE at the 9:30 Club last Sunday night. Among the reasons I've always liked these guys is that they follow their own rules (a rock band with a trumpet? Cool!) and they play a lot of waltzes (which goes along with the first thing, really). I was very psyched to get to see them, and glad we could go together.

In EG's CD collection, CAKE is filed under "Geek Rock", which is a category where we overlap. We own four of their albums between the two of us, and I have all four on my iPod. Going in, I kinda thought I'd enjoy the show no matter what they played, and that was basically true. I forgot my pen and paper, so the incomplete set list below is from memory.

Sad Songs & Waltzes
Short Skirt/Long Jacket
Mexico
Comfort Eagle
Song from their first album, new song?
Other stuff they played, in no particular order:
Daria
Let Me Go
Frank Sinatra

Somewhere in here, they took an intermission. Another thing most bands don't do. But it was kinda nice, actually.

Satan Is My Motor
Walk on By
Sheep Go to Heaven
Love You Madly
Never There
They played more, but I don't remember all of them. Plus, some of them were either from their first album, or new.

Encore
War Pigs
The Distance

If you've ever seen Ben Folds live, their styles have a lot in common. There was a lot of opportunity to sing along, and having the audience divide up - house left, house right; upstairs, downstairs; men, women - and compete against each other (which is different from Ben actually). They also had a bucolic backdrop featuring a mountainside and a disco ball (which may just always be at 9:30, but I don't remember it being used in other shows we've seen).

Other things that rocked about this show:

They started at 8:35. The 9:30 Club is so called because that's usually what time the show starts. Usually the opening act goes on about 8:30ish . CAKE didn't bring an opening act and played for just over two hours including the intermission. You've gotta love that. Plus, neither of us loves staying up late, esp. on a work night, so it was great to get out of there at a decent hour.
They opened with one of my favorite songs of theirs and generally played a very strong set.
They gave away a tree. Kooky, offbeat and environmentally friendly!
Their lead singer is really cool and fun. For all I know, they all are, but the lead singer did the talking.

So it was a damn good show and lots of fun. AND, it was 'cause of the club not the band, I think, but everyone in the house got a coupon for one free cupcake! How cool is that? They were good, too. If you ever get a chance to catch these guys, I would. Also, they've recently rereleased their first album and they should have a new one coming out at some point. They said something about how albums don't matter anymore. (A view I've heard at least one other artist express, but I disagree.) Anyway, damn good show.

Big Hoop Earring Experiment

2009-05-30T15:56:00.001-04:00

#2 - Margaret Thatcher

Iron Lady.

West End tart?

Star Trek: A Review from a Non-Fan Boy's Perspective

2009-05-28T20:49:00.004-04:00

I liked it.*

*Who's concise now, EG?

The Shoe Post

2009-05-24T00:32:00.014-04:00

Red and I tried to clean out DSW yesterday. She had a coupon and a return to attend to. I was just biding time to go buy a part for my Jeep. But I got sucked in and almost bought more shoes than she did. Only because of their impressive offerings in Converse, which I had planned on buying a new pair of anyway.

Red didn't do too bad herself. She was able to find a few pairs she liked, and a few pairs I liked so much that I bought for her. (BTW gentlemen, if you are ever looking for a guaranteed score - take your significant other shoe shopping and offer to buy her an extra pair. Makes flowers look like some weak rookie shit.)

Since Red bought 4 pair and I bought 3, it is time for us to give you a little fashion show. Behold the coolness, and pretend like you're interested.

EG #1 - My pre-washed olive and natural Converse. These are unique as they are All Stars, but not Chuck Taylor's. They also have metal aglets on the laces and contoured soles.

EG #2 Special edition Jack Purcell Converse. These are designed as slip-ons with false eyelets. The bottom part of the tongue is sewn in and the top has elastic on the sides. The soles are also black and tan with special edition logo crap on them.

EG #3. Red and blue plaid Jack Purcell's. These were a must. They are a brief summary of my personality in shoe form. They are also special editions, but have the traditional Jack's bottoms.

Red #1. Zip front Keds. Adding a little panache to casual Fridays.

Red #2 - Bronze ballet flat/yoga shoe hybrids displayed in third position. An excellent alternative to her otherwise ubiquitous Mary Jane's. Click to zoom in and check out the ostrich skin texture (please excuse my lack of vacuuming.)

Red #3 - Super cute tres femme abbreviated Nike sneakers in navy with a tiny lime green swoosh.

Red #4 - The coup de grace and possibly the coolest shoes in the known universe - silver glitter disco ball Chuck Taylor low tops. (The sexy eye patch is not just a fun accessory, but also helps Red in her recovery from some MS induced double vision. The Elvis tee was once mine, but has long since been hijacked by the Scarlet Pirate.)

Her jeans are hitched up a bit to show them off in the pic below. Please be advised that these shoes are kept in a safe deposit box which requires two keys to open, of which Red and I each wear one around our necks on unbreakable metal cords. (I'm looking at you Cardiogirl!)

Thus concludes our Memorial Day shoe shopping post. We also went to see Star Trek, which Red plans to do a review on shortly (but almost assuredly not concisely.)

I Don't Want To Start Any Blasphemous Rumors...

2009-05-22T08:09:00.004-04:00

The image of Jesus and/or the BVM have shown up in some odd places including water stains and scorch marks on various building materials, in the finish of early model muscle cars, and in an assortment of foodstuffs I shan't attempt to list. The latest, however, is beyond the level of my comprehension and the bounds of my mortal mind: a crucifix in a Cheetoh. I imagine a Vatican inquiry will be launched on a scale not seen since the Special Council assigned to investigate the Gummi Bear with stigmata that appeared in the late 80's. (It was ultimately determined to have come in contact with some strawberry Quick syrup, and was not actually bleeding.)

For what it is worth, below is an incomplete list of deities, demigods, and religious luminaries that have NOT (as yet) randomly produced their image in potato chip, grilled cheese, or Camaro form:

God the Father
God the Spirit
Moses
Elijah
Mohamed
Elijah Muhammad
Shivah
Vishnu
Brahma
Oprah
Krishna
Krishna Krishna
Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna
Hare Hare
Hare Rama
Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare
Julius Caesar
Augustus Caesar
Kim Il-Sung
Kim Jong-Il
The Wiccan Triple Goddess
Waheguru
Unkulunkulu
The Buddha
Dali Lama V
Dali Lama IX
Dali Lama XII
Apollo
Hermes
Venus
Gaea
Artemis
Ares
Zeus
Chronos
Uranus
Poseidon
Hades
Satan
Kali
Loki
Thor
Thor Heyerdahl
Haile Salassie
The Flying Spaghetti Monster
The Force
Mooby
Crom
Gozer the Gozarian
Gozer the Traveler
Gozer the Destroyer
Charlie Manson
Jim Jones
Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles
Yaweh ben Yaweh
The Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
David Koresh
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon
Reverend Run
Lao Tse
Joseph Smith
Ra

Another One Bites the Dust?!!

2009-05-20T20:01:00.007-04:00

First it was McGone. Then Falwless started posting only once in a blue moon. Beth has been similarly sporadic. Chris at "Surviving Myself" thought about giving it up, but he came back. So, has anyone else clicked on over to "Save Your Generation" lately? That's been one of my go-to blogs for quite a while now. 'Cause for a while there Pistols at Dawn posted every day for more than a year. And then he did that thing with his sidebar so you can see who's updated recently, so that was another reason to go there. So yesterday I clicked on the boobs/doritos/dictionary/Journey icon on our sidebar and got the following message:

This blog is open to invited readers only

What? This didn't make sense. Pistols tells us all kinds of stuff; he hardly seems like the private type. So I emailed him and he told me that he's going to stop blogging! Say it ain't so, Pistols! You could just take an EG style hiatus. You could take the summer off and come back in the fall! Maybe you could get The Girl to write it while you're gone. Your readership has expressed an interest in hearing from her. Of course, it's possible she'll be funnier than you are. (Something EG has never had to worry about when he leaves me in charge.) But at least someone would be manning the controls at SYG. Kat won't help you out?

So here's another thing - even if you're not gonna blog for a while (I do not yet accept that you may be done done), I, for one, would really appreciate it if you leave your blog up. 'Cause I didn't read you from the get go, and I could go back now and read the early posts that I haven't seen yet. Also, I could still see the "who's posted lately" sidebar.

In all seriousness, P@D, sometimes we all have stuff going on and blogging has to take a backseat at least for a while. But as long as I have a job that kinda sucks (and it's hard to imagine when I won't), I'm gonna miss you if you're not around. Comment once in a while at least, huh? And I will still hold out hope that you will miss us and return to blogging. But I hope that you'll at least put the blog back up. At least for a while?

I'll be watching, Pistols. I won't stop believing! Now, of late I've been setting my posts to publish at 9 am so that I could be at the top of your blogroll at the beginning of a workday. But fuck it. It's 8:33 on a Wednesday and I'm just going to hit publish.

My Lunch Today Reminded Me of a Recent Conversation with EG

2009-05-16T14:16:00.004-04:00

Red: Spinach salad is so massively much better with bacon.

EG4K: What isn't?

COWBOYMONKEYTACODELIVERYDOG

2009-05-15T07:40:00.000-04:00

This clip has renewed my will to live. (Temporarily.)

Big Hoop Earring Experiment

2009-05-14T07:42:00.003-04:00

#1 Madeline Albright

Respectable.

Do-able?

Another fallen hero...

2009-05-12T09:50:00.003-04:00

It was understandable that the loss of Bea Arthur got a lot of coverage in the blog world, especially in the What I Like About the Universe Universe (as I have come to refer to our corner of the blogosphere.) But it has been a week and not a peep about the second in the inevitable trilogy of deaths. Not even a shout-out at The 'Stache!

Can it be that I alone will honor Mr. Deluise? Who else will stand with me?

Kate Winslet

2009-05-10T22:14:00.002-04:00

I like this song. I hope you do too. (If you like my taste in music, check out Rock And Roll Astronaut Radio and my other stations on Pandora (scroll down to the bottom of my sidebar.))

Hot Shirtless Man of the Quarter*

2009-05-07T08:25:00.002-04:00

Ah, Ewan McGregor. I'm pretty sure this shot is from Down With Love, which was very much up my street, though I can see it might not be everyone's cup of tea. Anyway, enjoy the pic, girls.

*I checked and the last "Hot Shirtless Man of the Month was 2/9/09**
**We're not counting the pics that were part of the Wolverine review.

Argyle Chick of the Month

2009-05-06T07:42:00.001-04:00

Wolverine: A Review from a Non-Fan Boy's Perspective

2009-05-04T09:00:00.004-04:00

Heading into this weekend, I'd seen all the X-Men movies because of EG. We watched the first two at home in preparation for seeing X-Men: The Last Stand when it came out. I didn't know what I was getting into, but I enjoyed the flicks. I know jack about comics, but I saw Ian McKellan (who plays Magneto) onstage when I studied in London. I'd also seen footage of Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart (who plays Charles Xavier) from their days at the Royal Shakespeare Company, which gave me an appreciation for their history together that I'd imagine most fan boys lack.

He would have had no reason, really, to think I wouldn't want to see Wolverine, but he still phrased it well. "Hey," he said, "wanna go see Hugh Jackman with his shirt off?" Yes, please! I was a little worried that the teens in the row behind us would be annoying during the movie because they were during the previews, but my boyfriend the badass took care of that by turning around and glaring at them a couple of times. That was all it took. : )

Once the credits rolled, I was excited to see Ryan Reynolds name, but especially so to see Liev Schreiber's. I probably first saw Liev in Walking and Talking, an indie film one of my girlfriends likes, and caught his act again in Kate and Leopold, which was quite possibly where he met Hugh Jackman. During my time in New York, though, I saw him on Broadway in Harold Pinter's Betrayal and in Shakespeare in the Park, where he played the title role in Henry V in the summer of 2002, I think? He's got serious chops, as theatre people say, and he was great as Victor/Sabretooth. Whoever does these movies gets high marks from me for casting people who can actually act. I'm fine with Liev keeping it all on, but he's sexy nonetheless because he's so talented. Sure, he's playing a bad guy, but he's a very satisfactory bad guy.

The first part of the movie has a very pleasing amount of beefcake. Ryan Reynolds never takes his shirt off, but neither does that shirt have sleeves. So while he's executing some relatively impressive fight choreography his arms look positively edible. Hugh Jackman is also full on naked for a little while, though the lower body stuff is minimized and there's certainly no full frontal. Which I'm not complaining about. If there were, it would be completely gratuitous. His ass looks great even when he's in pants, but it's funny - my reaction to Hugh Jackman, hottie though he is, is rather dispassionate. I admire him as a marvelous physical specimen and yet I don't want to jump on him like a trampoline. (Ryan Reynolds, on the other hand...Hey, did you know he's actually married to Scarlet Johanson now? It was very recently that I even heard they were dating.) Will.i.am. isn't my type, but he handles his role quite capably.

There are also some good lookin' young'uns - whoever they've got playing Gambit and whoever plays the young Cyclops. Gambit is more or less full grown but Cyclops, in this film, is what I refer to as a puppy. Basically, any guy who's under 25 is a puppy; Cyclops is 21, tops. (There are a couple of puppies in the show I'm doing now. One of them is very cute indeed but thinking of them in those terms helps me to keep them in their proper place in my thoughts.)

The writing and the plot are good, too. The main bad guy is odious and he gets his at the end in a satisfying fashion. EG felt that things got a little cheesy in spots, but I didn't really notice; this is essentially a melodrama so a little bit of cheese doesn't bother me. I give it four stars (out of a possible five). There's only one main girl, but she's pretty, I'd say. And there is plenty of eye-candy for the ladies, but that's a good thing since we're the ones who are probably sitting there to humor the men.

Nothing really matters to me...

2009-05-01T22:38:00.008-04:00

Mechanical Rhapsody (click below to start)

Vocals - HP ScanJet 3C
Piano/organ - Atari 800XL
Guitar - Texas Instruments TI-99/4a
Bass - 8 Inch Floppy Disk
Gong - 3.5 inch Harddrive

Lesser known Eric Carle books

2009-04-28T21:00:00.007-04:00

Black Bear, Black Bear What Do You Smell?"

"Grizzly Bear, Grizzly Bear What Do You Taste?"

"The Very Misunderstood Dung Beetle"

"Panda Bear, Panda Bear Why Won't You Fuck?"

"The Very Rich Children's Author"

"Oh Shit! Daddy Is So Baked Right Now!"

"The Very Hungry Caterpillar 2: Wrath of the Butterfly"